Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I am officailly working now. My first day today...8am to 5pm. I got a few opinions, concerns, and imput about me going back to work. I too was wrestling with it myself, trying to weigh my options and see what God would really have me to do. What it boils down to is that this is for a season and I am going to do what I have to for the sake of my family. It's funny how God already had the details worked out and pretty much took care of my concerns right away. I was most concerned about the hours. I am going to be working 4pm to 1am. I was thinking about all I would miss. I love our bedtime routine. I just kept thinking about how I would no longer be able to tuck the kids in nice and tight. I would no longer be able to ask the kids what they wanted Mommy to sing to them about and make up a lullaby about a topic of their choice (fun, fun, fun especially when Landon was old enough to be able to give his input. I end up with topics like capguns, Kasen, and snowboarding. Try singing about that kind of stuff in a nice quiet, soothing voice...pretty darn hilarious!). Well, I found out that I will get an hour for lunch. With work being less than 5 minutes down the road, I will be able to go home. And wouldn't you know, I have to take my lunch from about 8pm to 9pm. Perfect! Thank you to Sharon. She reminded me that it's about the way you spend your time when you are together. Today when I got home, it was all about them. I was tired but I put the rest of the energy I had into spending quality time with them. It was refreshing. Anyway, it's not a career but it's going to help us squeak by until God provides a job for Dan. On to watch SURVIVOR...season premiere!!!
little somethin by Beth at 10:03 PM
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tomorrow, I start my job. I have orientation from 8am to 5pm. I am assuming I will be starting the actual job next week... at least I am hoping to have the weekend with my family before I start.
The last couple days, we have been working to get the house de-cluttered. I have never wanted to throw away this much this bad. Our trash can is over flowing and it's been a great feeling. Dan has been tackling the garage the past two days and it's coming along nicely. Hopefully by tonight, we will be able to park our two cars in there with no problem.
I just love Suzie Orman. I am going to head to the library some time and check out her book to read. She was on Oprah and I always love to watch when she is on. She has some great advice. One of the things that she has said is that when people have debt, they have clutter. Dan and I are ready to turn over a new leaf. This is the first time in our whole marriage where I feel like we are on the same page about our finances. So, we are ready to de-clutter and clean up our debt. Maybe in a year we can say we are debt free.
This morning, I actually set my alarm to get up and go running. We haven't heard an alarm in over three weeks. I hate the sound but it felt good to be up early and out of bed. I have a 10K coming up the end of October. I haven't been consistently running and I have been missing it the past few days. I don't hate running anymore. So, with a little over a month until the race, it's time to get back on track.
Just some happenings around here. Can't believe it's Wednesday already!
little somethin by Beth at 1:12 PM
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
little somethin by Beth at 2:55 PM
Monday, September 22, 2008
I remember being so impatient toward the end of my pregnancies. I was so sure that because I was dilated to two that I wouldn't make it to my next appointment...and then I would. I hated not having an exact date (due date meant nothing to me). If I only knew when it would all be over, I could sit tight until then...or so I thought. Luckily, I had a magic potion that I took to get it all over with.
Well, that's the only way I know how to describe how I feel. If I only had a date. If I only knew how much longer I had to "make it" like this. If I only knew when this would all be over. If I only had a magic potion to take to get life back to normal around here...or at least feel like I could function in life.
I have had a horrible past few days. I don't know if I need someone to smack me across the face and tell me to snap out of it (please don't verbally smack me because that would hurt more than a physical smack) or if what I am feeling is totally normal. I am not good with change, never have been. This is probably the biggest change that I have ever had to adjust to and right now I think I am failing.
I feel like a spoiled brat...no one has to tell me that. I have already beat myself up about that over and over. God has shown himself to us so many times over the past three weeks. Yet, I am asking Him for more. I am crying out to Him telling Him that I can't take this any more. I need more from Him. I need Him to fix everything.
It is making me sick to my stomach to think about going back to work. I think it's the hours (4pm to 1am) or maybe it's where I am going to be or what I am going to be making. God has blessed me with a job and am hardly thankful. It was fun to sit and daydream while watching my kids play about going out and getting a job to get out of the house. Now that I am forced and have no other choice, I am dreading it. Again, totally spoiled.
This is incredibly lonely or maybe I am making it that way. I am a "Debby Downer". I am stuck in a pit and I am trying to figure out if I have been pushed into it, jumped into it, or thrown into it, or if it makes any difference at all. I am thankful but also angry, sad, confused and wondering how I can feel all of those at the same time. I know all the words to say, I know what I should be doing, I know how to act...it's just my heart that won't cooperate. I am having a hard time staying positive and having a hard time believing what I know I should believe. Guess it's harder when you are in it. I can't pretend anymore and I guess that's the hardest thing for me. I have always thought that I gotta be tough, gotta be strong and not let anyone know how much I am hurting. Afterall, that would mean that I am admitting weakness...or even worse, that I am more messed up than people should know about.
Sorry, I am rambling, I know. I needed to vent. Maybe this isn't the best place. But, this is my blog and this is my update.
P.S. Still no unemployment....even more grrrr.
little somethin by Beth at 5:12 PM
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Well, it's been almost three weeks since the lay off. Three weeks ago, if you would have told me that our bills would be paid until the end of the month, our cupboards would be full, and I would actually be happy, I wouldn't have believed it for a minute. But, our bills are paid until the end of the month, we have all the food we need, and I am actually feeling pretty good.
I went for an interview today and was hired on the spot. It's close to home and I will be working 32 hours a week. I am not thrilled about it but, it's a job. Gotta take one for the team. I will be hopefully taking classes in January to become a CNA. I am meeting with someone the first week of October about that.
We haven't seen one dime of unemployment yet...grrrr.
My best friend, Hollie, took me grocery shopping at the beginning of the week. That meant so much. Have I told you how much you ROCK?!
Her sister, Brittany, sent a gift card to Walmart. I opened up the card and tears welled up in my eyes (a theme lately). Must be a family thing...you ROCK too!
A friend from church, Karen, stopped by today with a bag full of beef. There was about 10 pounds of ground beef, 4 packs of hamburger patties (6 in each pack), two roasts, and a few steaks. I am looking for recipes for all that ground beef! That was awesome to know that we will be having protein in our diets. :-)
Dan tests for a position this Saturday so you can be in prayer for that. We are very excited about it and hoping it works out.
The garage sale is Saturday! The weather is supposed to be great. I am praying for bus loads and another grand total like last time.
So, we have had a lot of family time this week. It's been really nice to have Dan home. The kids have loved playing games with him, having him read books to them, playing outside with him, and doing the bedtime routine with him. I am beginning to wonder how I ever did this myself. :) I have been spoiled this past week and trying to cherish every moment. We love having him home!
little somethin by Beth at 6:59 PM
Monday, September 15, 2008
I hate running.
Three weeks ago, it was what I did for fun, in my spare time, whenever I could. I rarely missed a day. I would wake up early on weekends to get out there before the family woke up. On some days, I would even go out twice. Whatever it was, I would rather run.
Well, it's funny how things change. Running was something I wanted to do, not something I had to do. Now, I have to run. It's a great stress reliever once I actually get out there. I don't want to lose what I worked so hard for. There is no way I am starting all over.
This weather doesn't help. Don't get me wrong, I love that it's cooler out. But, it also makes me want to curl up under a blanket and eat baked goods all day. Well, the baked goods are gone, so I really have no excuse not to get out from under that blanket. Or, I could just lay around and pray for more baked goods. ;-) (I am only kidding...please don't bring me any baked goods...I have no self control right now...it would be one of those times that I thank God for those unanswered prayers.)
Today was the day I chose to get my butt back in gear. No more moping around. No more excuses. No more stuffing my face with those comforting carbs. I went out once with two of the kids and the dog and then again by myself this afternoon. And what do you know....I actually enjoyed myself. I think I will do it again tomorrow.
Maybe I don't hate running after all.
little somethin by Beth at 3:20 PM
Sunday, September 14, 2008
little somethin by Beth at 5:51 PM
Friday, September 12, 2008
Once again, my timing is not HIS timing; for the Lord's timing is perfect. I am praising God for how he provides.
2 I will bow down toward your holy temple
3 When I called, you answered me;
4 May all the kings of the earth praise you, LORD,
5 May they sing of the ways of the LORD,
6 Though the LORD is exalted, he looks kindly on the lowly,
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
8 The LORD will vindicate me;
little somethin by Beth at 5:34 PM
I guess I will have to be brutally honest today...
I am not going to pretend that I am in the best of moods. I am not going to pretend that I didn't spend all day yesterday crying and it has been so hard for me to get out of bed, keep up with things around the house, and care for my kids. Dan is jobless but that doesn't mean that the bills stop coming, the laundry stops piling up, the cars stop needing gas. I thought I was doing okay with this all. Yesterday it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I am actually feeling like I am mourning a loss. As selfish and materialistic as it may sound, I keep thinking back to two weeks ago when we had a paycheck coming in, we were able to go out to eat, and if I wanted to drive to where ever, I could. While I am grateful for everything beyond words, I miss all of what I used to have or maybe I just miss the laughter and smiles because they have been few and far between.
But, as promised, I will count my blessings...
~ We are all healthy.
~ The most amazing thing...My friend, Erin, called me at the beginning of the week asking about bills. I was reluctant to disclose the amounts to her. It's just so hard for me to accept money from people. She said she was going to work on it and see what she could do. Since then, almost everyday we have received some amount and most of that has been from complete strangers. It's just amazing!
~ All we have had to spend on food this week has been $3.00 thanks to a gift card from Hollie and the groceries that were brought to us last week.
~My mother-in-law brought over everything to make chocolate chip cookies and toilet paper (okay, I just read this and I made it sound like I make my own toilet paper, not so. So also threw in a pack of toilet paper...ha!).
~ Landon has been having growing pains. The Motrin was gone. The next morning, Hollie called and asked if she could pick us up anything from Walmart. She brought over 2 bottles of Motrin.
~ My sister-in-law, Alicia, brought over food from her Dad's b-day party! It has been delicious.
~ My sister-in-law, Saira, treated us to the nearby orchard one day. It was nice to get out with the kids and forget about all that is going on.
~ Becki brought over some homemade dishwasher detergent and some diapers and wipes.
~My parents sent a check to help out with Cubbies for the kids.
~ A friend of Dan's stopped over one morning and handed me a $100 bill. John has a family of his own and like everyone else that has helped us out, could have used the money himself. It was "extra" and so he chose to drive out here and bless us with it.
~ My grandparents both sent us money. It brightened my day!
Okay, I feel a little better. :-) I need to constantly remind myself to take this one day at a time. It's so easy for me to look at the calender and see the end of the month fast approaching and start to worry about the mortgage and everything else that is due then. Yesterday, I kept telling myself and God that I can't take anymore. It's only been a week and a half but I am so done with this. I feel helpless and that's exactly where God wants me. Because if I think that I can't go another day and that I can't do this by myself, there is no where else to turn but to HIM.
~ Dan's job search. We are spending money on gas to get him where he needs to go but are getting discouraged because he hasn't heard anything. Please pray that both of us would hear something within the next week from the apps we have both put out.
little somethin by Beth at 10:34 AM
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I will never forget where I was that day, what I was doing, how I felt staring at the TV while everything and everyone around me seemed to stand still in shock and horror. I knew things had forever changed in the country that I love. May we never forget. Take time to remember today.
little somethin by Beth at 8:48 AM
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I have been thinking a lot this past week about what I plan to do in the future to help those out who are in our same situation. I have been thinking about the wonderful ways people have and continue to help us out. Here are a few lessons I have learned:
~ The first couple days are the hardest, loneliest, darkest. It's in the first two days that the word was just getting out about our situation, we were scrambling, we were freaking out, and needed people around us desperately. Don't wait to see what happens. Act.
~ There are only a few people that I feel comfortable just coming out and asking for things. Bottom line, don't wait for people to ask. So many times in the past, I have said, "If you need anything, just ask." I don't know about you, but I hate asking for things. It has been so nice to have people just show up with things. Today, my neighbor called while she was at Walmart and asked what we needed. She was already at the store, how could I resist? :-) There have also been a few others that have sent an email telling me that they would be over with certain things...how could I refuse?
~ If they are a friend, don't let them withdrawal. When I am going through difficult times, I tend to put a wall up, withdrawal, and keep my distance from people. It's been really nice to have people constantly checking up/in on me.
~ You don't truly understand until you have been there. It's been wonderful to hear other people's stories of how God carried them through a lay off. It's been helpful to hear what to do and what not to do. It's been nice to have people help us that know exactly what you are going though.
~ Prayer and Bible verses have been such a comfort! We feel so lifted up! There has been an amazing peace over the past four days that can only be explained by the power of God.
little somethin by Beth at 9:17 PM
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Tonight, I wanted to make the most of what's left of my dishwasher detergent. :-) So, I loaded everything I could fit into it and then some. Well, I went back into the kitchen for something about 20 minutes later and there was water all over the floor. I began to freak out because it had slipped my mind just how I had to get the door to latch. I cleaned up the water and because I was already on my knees, I began to pray: "Lord, please, I just don't think I can handle another thing right now. I actually think I will snap. There is no way we can afford to fix it and I just don't know how I will do all of these dishes by hand (now I am chuckling to myself about how stupid and spoiled I am)." I think I actually heard God tell me to get up off of my knees and unlatch the door. Then proceeded to tell me not to try to make things fit where there was no room for them anyway...great lesson, and all because I loaded the dishwasher too full.
little somethin by Beth at 9:47 PM
Monday, September 8, 2008
It's easy to slip back into the mind set of worrying about our situation. I was having a bit of anxiety about what this week will hold for us this morning. The bills that are sitting in our "bills to be paid" rack for next week catch my eye every time I walk from the living room to the kitchen. I had to keep reminding myself that I need to trust that God would provide for the needs of our family in the coming week just as he did for this past week. This verse kept popping into my head:
- The same God who created life in you can be trusted with the details of you life.
- Worrying about the future hampers your efforts for today
- Worrying in more harmful than helpful
- God does not ignore those who depend on Him
- Worry shows lack of faith and understanding of God
- There are real challenges God wants us to pursue and worrying keeps us from them
- Living one day at a time keeps us from being consumed by worry
If you're wondering what some specific prayer requests are here's a few:
- Dan's job hunting would turn up real leads and/or results.
- God would give us the wisdom that we lack and wouldn't jump into anything out of desperation.
- If I am supposed to get a job, that I would hear something this week from the apps that I turned in.
- God would give us some clear direction in what Dan should be doing as far as work.
- God would provide the money we need for the "bills to be paid".
- That our marriage would be strengthened during this time.
- That our kids wouldn't feel the stress that we are under and wouldn't be affected in any way.
I am trusting God that this is going to be a good week and I am looking forward to being able to share.
little somethin by Beth at 1:20 PM
Saturday, September 6, 2008
We made it through another day...
- I sold the toddler bed I had listed on craigslist! Just praying that my other stuff stops taking up space in our home soon.
- I was in need of some feminine products and emailed a friend on a whim. What do you know, she had a stash. She came bearing more than just pads today. It was incredible how God used her. I had to smile when I was going through everything because in there I found (among other things)the exact brand of pads I use, the exact deodorant I use, deodorant for my husband who has gone without for a day or two, and soap for my kiddos. My walmart gift card has been spared! Thanks Becki!
- I had a coupon to a local grocery store for milk. The sale price was $1.98 but that was with a $10 purchase. I really want to avoid all stores right now. It makes my stomach hurt to even think about going in there...big change for me, I know. I played around with the idea of going before nap but I didn't know when the people were coming to pick up the toddler bed. They came close to nap time so I just decided I would go after. We were walking to get the mail when I thought I saw a friend's car pulling up. I figured they had a L&F meeting. I said hi and they proceeded to tell me that they had some goodies for us. Guess what was among everything but a gallon of milk! Thank you Scott and Jori for not only driving out to Harvard, but for proving God to be faithful once again!
Today, during nap time, I got an urge to scrap what I was going to do during my quiet time and instead turn to Matthew 6: 24 - 7:15. I have read that countless times and also heard at least two sermons that I can remember on them. Today it was as if I was reading it for the first time. I am going to start reading that every day as a reminder.
Over the past two days, we have been blessed by people who could have benefited themselves by what they chose to give to us. Everytime I have been blown away by their sacrificial giving. I have seen God show up once again today. Blessed be the name of the Lord! God is good!
little somethin by Beth at 9:49 PM
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
I have never really closely looked at the words of this hymn nor have I understood the time of life they are talking about so fully as I do now.
During this hard season of my life, I don't want to waste a thing. I don't want to walk away not learning anything or forget along the way after this storm has blown over what God did for us back in 2008 when Dan was laid off. So, I have decided that I am going to start "naming them one by one" to show God's faithfulness not only to you guys out there but so that we can look back and see the exact day that God sent another person our way to help us get by. More to share at the end of the day...
little somethin by Beth at 1:37 PM
I haven't been around to check my usual bloggers with everything going on. I couldn't sleep past 4:45 this morning and so, to pass the time, I thought I would check in with a few.
This name might sound familiar to some. You might even check in on her (them) yourself. Please pray for Kenzie right now. She is 26 weeks pregnant and in premature labor with their daughter, Faith. She lost her son Maddox to trisomy 18 at the beginning of the year. Pray that God would keep this baby girl safe!
little somethin by Beth at 5:54 AM
Friday, September 5, 2008
First, I just want to tell all of you how thankful we are for your prayers! It has felt kinda lonely at times over the past few days but with the emails, calls, and visits, it's made things easier. It's been really comforting knowing that we are being prayed for by so many.
Yesterday, I was alone praying. I told God that I knew He was right here with us. I knew that everything was in His hands but I needed Him to actually show me that we were going to be taken care of. Now, I know that God owes me nothing. It's just enough to know that He sent his son to die for me so that I could live forever with Him. But, I know that I can talk to Him just as I would my own Father. I can tell Him my frustrations. I can come to Him with my fears. I can let Him know my disappointments. So, I poured it all out to Him. I have not been angry with Him. If anything, I have started to have a sense of thankfulness for what we are going through. When Dan first told me the news, I went into panic mode. The next day however, I kept reminding myself and telling God that I wanted to learn from this and I know that's what He wants me to do too on so many different levels. If I get nothing out of this, I would be a failure. I want to come out of this testing stronger and wiser than before. This is sifting time. It hurts like heck but hopefully I will look back and see the bigger picture when it's all over.
Back to needing God to show me...
I was looking at numbers. I was doubting big time and I told God that. I didn't know how we were going to make it past this week. I cried out to Him for help and for Him to prove his faithfulness. So, let me tell you what my day was like today...
My dear neighbor and best friend came over before work and blessed us with a gift card! I went out job hunting and turned in five apps to places that were hiring and seem very promising. I got home and my husband's mom was at my house. I thought she had just stopped in for a visit and to see how we were but later found out that she had slipped a check in my husbands pocket! Ten minutes later, an angel from The Place Beneath (aka super shopper Saralyn :-) ) showed up with groceries! Tonight a mysterious package came...Mrs. Fields cookies with an encouraging note from "us"(thank you to whoever you are!). Today has been a good day. I tell you all of this only to testify to the faithfulness of my Father. I feel like it's just what I needed to feel like we are going to be okay. Just like my Father-in-law said to me today, God is never early, never late, but always right on time. We may not be able to take care of everything by ourselves right now, which is very hard for me to accept, but what we can't take care of, God is sending people to gather around us. It's overwhelming! Dan and I were actually able to relax and bit and smile and laugh together.
little somethin by Beth at 9:45 PM
I had taken these pictures on Tuesday and had totally forgotten they were on my camera because the day took a turn for the worse. I took some pics of stuff I am selling (anyone interested in a Graco DuoGlider, Graco Highchair, sleigh toddler bed, sofa sectional, hummm, let's see what else...) and loaded them on the computer and the one of Collin was the first to pop up.
little somethin by Beth at 4:30 AM
Thursday, September 4, 2008
If I let it, my mind can wander into so many different scenarios. This has probably been the darkest time in my life. I have been up since 2:45...it's what my body tends to do under stress. So, it was then that all of the what if's popped into my head again. I looked over and was thankful that at least Dan was able to sleep so I left him alone to get his rest.
I told myself that I guess I just have to take this one day at a time. If I can help it, I don't want to even go into all the different terrible situations we might find ourselves. So, today...
...today my sister-in-law paid me a visit. It was a nice distraction and took my mind off of what's really going on.
...today my kids are healthy and taken care of.
...today we have electricity...a TV to watch, a couch to sit on, toys to play with, a roof over our heads.
...today we have foods in our cupboards.
...today I got out of bed
little somethin by Beth at 2:46 PM
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I can't say we weren't warned that this might happen. Things were looking up and we breathed a sign of relief. I thanked God that he spared us yet again.
I have always wondered how this feels...what goes through ones mind when they get the news. I never wanted to know personally though.
Yesterday afternoon, I heard the dreaded words : "I got laid off today." I really didn't believe it and it took a bit to sink in to what that really meant. It means basically that we are in trouble. It means that I am having a really hard time. It means that I am wondering how we are going to make it. It means that I am looking at God crying, "uncle, I give, I learned my lesson...please just make it all better." It means that we have a good two weeks until the money is gone. It means that I feel like a failure.
So, if you are reading this, please pray for us. I have never doubted that God would give us what we need, but it's a different story now that we have no income. I am worried, I am sad, I am doubting. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us.
Dan is going to the unemployment office today and then going around looking for work. Me, well, I would just sit here and cry, but I know that would be terrible for the kids to see. We prayed for Daddy at dinner yesterday, Kaitlyn and Landon taking turns praying that Daddy would get another job. Kaitlyn has offered us the $15 she has in her wallet. :-) We were outside and one of the first things she said to Miss Hollie was, "My Daddy doesn't have a job." Hollie told her how God would take care of us and also said that we could move in with them. Kylee then came outside and Kaitlyn said, "My Daddy doesn't have a job. We're going to move in with you!" If you could have only seen Kylee's face and how big her eyes got. Priceless!
little somethin by Beth at 6:31 AM
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Just pretend this is still labor day. :-) It seems more cleaver that way. Found this over at Becki's blog and thought it would be fun to play along...
How long were your labors?
#1 ~ about 14 hours
#2 ~ about 5 hours
#3 ~ about 3 hours
How did you know you were in labor?
#1 ~ took the castor oil and waited until the cramping started
#2 ~ took the castor oil and waited for that familiar cramping
#3 ~ I think I was in labor for two weeks with this kid. Every night, I thought I was in labor but I would just go to sleep and figured I would wake up if it was the real thing. Well, I knew I was in labor when I couldn't lay down and pain was shooting up my back.
Where did you deliver?
All three were, thankfully, at the hospital
#1 ~ yes, I had an epidural that only worked on one side
#2 ~ nope, nothing
#3 ~ nope, nothing
#1 ~ doctor
#2 ~ doctor
#3 ~ I went too quick. From the time I walked in the door until I had him was 37 minutes. The nurses had to deliver him...but I still had to pay the doctor's fee...go figure!
little somethin by Beth at 7:45 AM