Donated

Yesterday, a truck came and took it all away.
Eight years in the making, in piles in my front yard.
It took a whole day to clean out our playroom...
A day that I was determined to part with "things".
"Things" that held so many memories for me.
I did my best to convince myself that I wasn't
tossing out the memories, just making room for more.
I am really not good with change
and even sometimes sit and think of moments that I would hit
the freeze button.
I like routine.
I don't mind same ole, same ole.
Sometimes, it's just time though...
Even for me.
So, I turned up the country music and got to work.
My goal was just to clean it out...
sort and sift through it all.
What I ended up doing though
was emptying the whole entire room
until there was nothing left.
And some how, I was okay with that.
I was okay with parting with the Little People,
the Little Tykes tool bench,
the toy kitchen, the Backyardigans stuff, the little scooters,
and everything else that filled up a notebook page.
I am ready for a change.
I am ready for a basement remodel...
to get it ready for the next stage of our lives.
There were, however, three things that I intended
to donate that never ended up making it to the pile:
The crib, the stroller, and the pony, Sal.
Maybe when all my children hit double digits
I will be able to say goodbye to them too
but for now, I am okay that I could not give up those three
I did pretty good, for me.

Goodbye Macy Girl...

Everyone is asleep...finally.  Everyone but me.  The rain hitting my bedroom window doesn't help...It doesn't help the incredible sadness I am feeling right now.

Today we said goodbye to our Macy Girl.  Five weeks ago, she was diagnosed with Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia.  The odds weren't good...I was doubtful that she would even make it two weeks.  She was giving an oral steroid and sent home.  During the first week, I set my alarm and would get up with her for nightly feedings.  She was spoiled rotten.  After almost 7 days, she made a wonderful recovery.  She was full of energy, eating well, and walking on her own.  I was so very thankful for the miracle and extra time we were given.

Thursday I noticed her energy level dropping and by Friday I was incredibly worried about her.  I had to leave for a race in Chicago and left her in the hands of my wonderful hubby and three kids.  I returned home to find that she had gotten worse.  I could hardly stand to watch my beautiful pitt mix stumble and fall when trying to get up to greet me when I walked in the door.  I could hardly bring myself to carry her outside because she was no longer capable of holding her own weight.  I knew I could not put her through this again.  I prayed that the decision would be clear and I would have peace in whatever it was.

I set my alarm for early in the morning on Sunday.  I made her some hamburger and was hoping to get another dose of steroid down her.  When she wouldn't eat the hamburger my heart dropped...and then when she was clenching her jaws shut so I couldn't even give her the steroid I knew what she was telling me.  She was done...and I had to let her go.

Loss is so hard...watching your own babies deal with such a huge thing is even harder.

My husband and I sat down with each of the kids and gave them a choice if they wanted to go with us or not when we took Macy in to be put down.  My Princess said yes with no hesitation.  My Middle Man had a harder time making up his mind and decided yes at the very last minute.  My Little Man was a no right from the get go.  So, we dropped Little Man off to play with Grandpa and the four of us plus Macy Girl made the emotional trip in.

We arrived and my husband went in to let them know we were there.  They brought a little stretcher out to the car to get her...and we all sobbed as she was wheeled away.  We were set on being there with her when she passed and so we waited for them to get her ready.

All four of us were taken back to a room and Macy was brought in to us.  They told us that we could take as long as we wanted.  So we held her, pet her, took pictures, and just took everything in.  Then, when we were ready, we cracked the door to let them know that it was time.

 

The vet came in and was wonderful.  One thing that she said while she was leaving is that we fought the good fight...and that right there was probably the most encouraging thing she could have said at that moment.  I didn't want to give up on Macy...I didn't want to feel like I failed her...that I didn't do everything I could do for her...and with those words, I felt like this was the right thing to do and she was the messenger sent to tell me.  She left with tears in her eyes and the four of us held eachother and just cried.  We took as long as we needed to and then I took off her collar and we walked out.

On May 15th, 2008 we welcomed our sweet Macy girl in to our home.  She was five and we knew she had been through a lot just from the little that the shelter told us about.  This was her second chance and our goal was to spoil her as much as we could to make up for her first five years.  She napped all day on the couch, ate scraps from the table, spent time laying in the sun on the deck, played with her (one and only) neighbor friend, and even (ssshhhh) spent some lazy days laying in bed with me.  We really lucked out with her...she was such a sweetie from the get go.  She was so patient and wonderful to the kids and got along great with the cat.  These past two years she has had a blast with her little sister Zoey...who is so lost without her right now.  There will never be another like her.

Its all so new and fresh and is going to take some getting used to.  Watching the kids hurt is the hardest part of all.  We miss her terribly...

Your Eyes

I rarely use the ESV app on my phone...my good old trusty Bible with real paper pages is what I love.  Today, though, I wanted to read a few things and decided it would be more convenient to just use my phone.

I just love, love how God works.

I pulled up the app.  I don't think it was just a coincidence or mistake at what text popped up:

  "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Matthew 25:35-46

Back in July, we (insert happy dance) celebrated two years of employment.  Those twenty two months that Dan was out of work were the most grueling, painful, special, amazing almost two years of my life.  It's easy to forget those times when things are good now that they are in our rear view mirror.

Last week, Dan's hours were cut, which we are still extremely thankful for the hours he does have.  It's easy to have a freak out moment.  It's easy to allow all of the painful memories and feelings of anxiety creep back in and not trust God for my daily bread...even when he carried us so graciously and tenderly through that time in my life.  It's easy to turn inward and start worrying about me, me, me and only think about my little family and our needs.

I was given these verses and an ever so small opportunity to look outward today and give...and I just wanted to share these verses that your eyes may be focused outward and your thoughts focused on Him and what He would have you to do for the least of these.

In Her Eyes

At the beginning of this week, during one of our before bedtime chats, my Princess said something that went like this:

"Momma, I think we need another baby around here.  You can't just sit around all day paying bills and talking to the animals.  It makes you seem like kind of a desperate lady."

In the moment, I wanted to laugh out loud...but I didn't.  What she thinks I do all day is so funny to me.  Little does she know that these past few weeks, as I adjust to my new normal, I have been going out with friends, getting some nice long runs in, relaxing, shopping, catching up on household things, and just enjoying myself.  The first two weeks were rough, but all of the kids have adjusted quiet well now.  My Littlest Man has had a few bumps in the road, but this week has been fabulous for him.

So, I am thankful for my "desperate lady" kind of life right now...well, all except for the paying bills all day part.

The Gym Ruined Me

Two weeks ago, I went in a cancelled my gym membership.  I have belonged to the gym for about two and a half years.  All good things must come to an end...but then I got to thinking...

I am pretty sure that the gym ruined me.

It's always in the 70s
It's never raining, snowing
It's never too hot, or too cold.
There's only tough hills if you want them there
and you can always decide when they start
and when the finish.
You can start out with a distance in mind
but if you are not feeling it
you can always cut it short
and move on to something a bit easier.
You can watch TV and get lost in a show
to take your mind off of what your body is doing
and how you feel.
There's always a bathroom a few feet away...
wait...okay, that's a good thing...
a very good thing.

I guess when I have looked over my past two and a half years, I am just not a gym person.


I need the heat (even though I hate it) and the cold temps.
I need to run in the rain.
To push myself in the snow.
I need those hills that sneak up on me
and the ones that are right there staring me in the eyes...
the ones that I see coming,
that I have to get my game face on for
and that I keep saying in my mind:
You WILL NOT beat me today.
I need those routes that give me no short cuts,
no choice but to go the distance.
I need the time to think,
to sing out loud on a back road,
to run with all I have.

Time to get back what I have lost.
Time to toughen up
and move this show outside.

Animals

I could use up all my fingers and all my toes to count up all of the animals I had growing up and still need extras to count with.  I have loved animals since I was a little girl.  I have a picture of me, I can't be older than two or three, walking a "pet" frog on a string.  We had dogs, cats, hamsters, birds, fish, rabbits...I can remember my Dad catching chipmunks for us and he once brought home a goose (it didn't stay long)...and no, we never lived on a farm.

It's no wonder that my kids, my little girl especially, love animals.

My husband and I tried giving a dog a go before we had kids...didn't last long...and the story always gets a laugh when told.  We tried having a cat and that didn't last long either.   It wasn't until Kait's green eyed, creepy, fanged black friend found his way in to our garage (and eventually our hearts) that things just clicked.  About a year after that, we went to a local shelter and picked out our (now elderly) brown eyed Macy girl.  She was five or six when we brought her home and she has been such a wonderful pet.  A year and a half ago, we decided Macy needed a little sister to liven her up and that's when we brought home her spunky, blue eyed companion...also from a shelter...that drives us nuts with her puppy energy.

Our house is full.  But, I really wouldn't change it for a minute.

I vacuum, sweep, and wash floors way more than I normally would.  But, they add so much more than just extra house work to our family.


Just last week, my Princess finally got her wish and was surprised with this pretty girl:

Meet Latte...my princess is in love...and I am happy to nurture her animal loving spirit.

Just that way...

I am always missing someone.
It's just the way life has been for the past ten years.
There are just times where I miss
my family more than others
and these past few days
have been some of those times.

I don't really feel the hundreds of miles
until days like these.
Phone calls, email, and facebook
make the distance more bearable.
But sometimes, the hundreds of miles
feel more like thousands
and the heartache literally makes
eating and even breathing
more difficult.

Just when I think that I have come to accept
that this is just the way things have to be
Something creeps up inside of me.
my mind starts racing.
things could be different.
but then I am back to square one
and reminded that
I would still be missing someone.

It's just that way...

Empty Nest

From the time I had my first child, I have always known that we are raising our children to, little by little, become more independent...little by little, they will go off on their own and before we know it, they will be gone.  That's what kids do.  There have been times over these past eight years, when I have wished that I could blink and things could be put on fast forward a day a head, a week a head, even a few months ahead.  This was my wish especially in the beginning months when things were always so tough.

I am finding, as the years go by, that I am wanting more and more for there to be a rewind button.  Where as in the beginning things seemed to crawl by so slowly, everything is zooming by too fast now.

I think I have blinked too many times.

Yesterday, my three little chicks all left the nest for their first day of school.  All three of them...all day.  I am tearing up as I type this.  I never expected it would be this hard.

The morning went incredibly well.  Everyone got dressed, ate, brushed their teeth, and put on shoes and sock with no complaints at all.  They were all so excited.

We loaded in the van and made the short drive to school.  I was getting teary and my Princess looked at me and said, "Momma, I think you're a little old to cry on the first day of school."  It lightened the moment and I managed to hold it together.

The three of them skipped in to school.  My Middle Man shot off like a bullet.  He looked back to tell me that he knew they way and didn't need me to take him to his class.  My Princess stayed back with me and asked if I could take her.  I told her that I would be happy to, but I just needed to get my Little Man off to his class.  He was charging a head and told me that he knew the way...he could go to his class all by himself.  He is such a big boy and there were no tears.  I turned around and my Princess was gone.  I felt kind of lost.  All of my kids had left...all of them were big enough, brave enough to find their own way, to do it themselves.  I stood in the hallway for what felt like forever just looking around.  And so it began.  I was alone.  I put on my shades to hide the tears that were welling up and quickly walked out the front door of the school to the van...where I then fell apart and sobbed...and sobbed...and sobbed.

I really don't know what to think about this.  It's only day two.  I know I will get used to this, but I feel kind of lost.  My identity has never been in my kids...even though my heart beats for them.  I have built life around them, but have made sure to not loose myself in the process.

My 3rd grader, my 2nd grader, and my kindergartener!!

I. just. miss. them.

A Whole Hand

My youngest is five.  Five just seems so much older than four.  Maybe because it's halfway to ten.  Maybe because five is a whole hand.  Or maybe it's because he's my youngest...and for being my youngest, that's pretty old.

I woke him up bright and early to get his big day started.  Landon was pretty excited for Collin and helped him open all of his gifts...Collin didn't mind a bit, as you can see. 

Legos, M&M's, Star Wars, and beef jerky pretty much sums it all up.  He's pretty easy to please.  And yes, he requested the beef jerky.

My Littlest Man and Me...love this little guy! 

With the help of some awesome people who gave us free tickets to cover all the kids but one, we were able to plan a super secret surprise for the three birthday boys (my nephew and my two boys) to Six Flags.  They didn't know where we were going until about 5 minutes before we got there.  It was great.

Collin was so happy to have his best buddy (and cousin) there to share the day with him.

We had a great time celebrating.  He said it was his best day ever and that's really all that matters.

Too Quickly

I don't know when it happened, but it happened...
...my babies aren't babies any more.
They can all walk unassisted.
They can entertain themselves.
They can all pronounce their "r"s.
They can all speak and be understood.
They can feed themselves.
They can dress themselves.
It has become even more apparent
these past couple of days.
We pulled out our old home videos
and although I love the stage that we are at,
I have to admit, it left me feeling
a tad
bit
sad.

I sat there watching my little girl sing silly songs,
dressed up in her princess dress,
with her high heels,
and her head full of ringlets.

I sat there watching my toe headed Middle Man jump off of anything and everything,
adding a "g" sound to all of his words,
being ever so polite,
at the so long ago age of three.

I sat there watching my Littlest Man with trouble that sparkled in his eyes,
with no fear,
jumping in to the pool and swimming around before he was even two.

I watched birthday after birthday
just pass by.

And in the blink of an eye, it's all gone.
There were days, when I had three little ones under three,
that I wished for simpler days,
easier days
that they could all be a little more independent.
I wished for more sleep,
I wished that they days wouldn't seem so long.
And poof.
I am here.
I am loving it but at the same time
I am a little weepy.
I am thankful, though, for the reminder
to enjoy this
because I know
it will all be over too
quickly.

Our 4th in Photos

Bits and Pieces

On May 25th, my Princess turned eight.  We celebrated from the time I woke her up singing "Happy Birthday" (a tradition) until her and her cousin finally fell asleep late that night.

On the very same day, both of the kids went and finished up their last day of school.  Upon Landon's request, they both carried in flowers for their teachers as their way of saying "thank you".

That weekend, Dan helped his brother in a cook off competition.  Last year I was working, so it was nice to be able to make it this year.

On June 1st, I flew to New York City and spent the day with a friend from high school.  It was my first time in the city and I had a blast sight seeing.

My friend of 15 years and I on our way to New Jersey on the ferry.  He was a great tour guide and I enjoyed the full day we had together.

Next, I headed over and stayed the rest of the time with my sister and her family in New York.  It was the first time I had ever visited her...and she had just had her 4th little guy.  On Sunday, my brother, his wife, and my neice drove up from PA and we were all able to spend the day together.  It was such a wonderful trip...the only thing missing was my little family.

 

On June 7th, I took the kids strawberry picking for the very first time.  The kids enjoyed each having their own little basket to fill.

The very next day, we found Landon a new bike on craigslist.  He was thrilled!  His old bike (that he's had since his third birthday) was passed down to Collin and everyone was happy.

During the school year, both Kaitlyn and Landon earned a ticket to Six Flags.  For the second year in a row, I was given a season pass by Dan's parents.  So, on June 14th, we spent the day at Six Flags for free.  It was Landon and Collin's first time.  They aren't as daring as Kaitlyn...so she went back again with Dan's Mom a week later and rode the coasters and faced her fears and went on the Giant Drop.

Those are a few bits and pieces from the past month and a half.  The summer is flying by too fast.  I can't believe that July is right around the corner!