Looking Back

The older I get, the more important it becomes to me to look back on the passing year as it comes to a close and gather something from it...some lesson I can learn, something I can take away...food for thought maybe.  I have always believed that there are lessons to learn in everything.

There has been much heartache, loss, and rejection for me this past year...countless hurts...countless scars.  It's one thing to go through something because you know that God has something better in store for you...it's a totally different story to be brought low at the hand of another person whose intentions were not at all good.  But, there are lessons in everything and something to be learned from this past year and I have learned a lot :

If anything else, I have learned of the truest love I could ever experience on this side of Heaven : The Love of My Husband.  When I felt like I couldn't lift myself out of my bed, his strength kept me fighting.  When I felt like I was all alone and I wanted to build the highest of walls to protect my heart from any more hurt, it was my husband who kept chipping away at the wall I was trying to build.  I believe that God gave us this year to better our marriage...to bring us closer...to open my eyes to the gem I married.  I have never, ever doubted his love for me but this year I have felt every inch of it and have been overwhelmed by how deep it actually is.

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” ~Bob Marley

I truly think this year would have broken me if not for the fact that God has told me who I am...and it's been His constant reminders (spoken to my heart through things I have read, words of friends, my parents, and words from my husband) have sustained me and kept me from believing the lies that others tried to destroy me with.  I know who I am.

Suddenly she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, A Nice Quiet Place.

This quote has really spoken to me over the past few months.  It describes what I have felt countless times this past year...I have been regretting what will never be...what will never be because I have had to set healthy boundaries for myself...what will never be because I have let go of all expectations...what will never be because there has been too much "stuff".  I am not good with change and I am loyal to a fault.  I have a hard time letting go of the familiar and will fight til the very end...but this past year has taught me that sometimes I just have to let go.  It's not letting go in failure...it's letting go because it's no longer healthy for me.  It's not letting go because I have some sort of grudge that I need to hold on to...no, it's the exact opposite...it's letting go because I no longer want to carry that grudge.  Some may not understand, but to me this all makes perfect sense.  I have had to find away to let go of the regret of the lost future...and find a way to embrace a future that looks a little different.  It took a little while, but I can finally say that I am content.

Amidst the heartache, this year has been full of joy, love, friendship, and fun.  I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been.  I have realized what a gift my little family is to me and how much we need to guard our time together and cherish it even more.  I have been so thankful to the people that have surrounded my little family and I and loved on us.  I have never been so thankful for my health and the health of my family and friends.  I am so very thankful for another year at my job and the opportunity for Dan to jump in to something different.  I have watched him become a happier man and it's been so nice to have him home with us more.  It's been a year of restoration...finally feeling like we are recovering from the two years of unemployment we went through...and I am so thankful for the path He continues to carry us down.

So, as 2013 comes to an end, once again, I sit here thankful.  I am thankful for the lessons, the trials, the heartache, the hurt, the safety, our health, the laughter, and everything in between...I am thankful for normal and rest.  It's been a good year...