My 30th

The days leading up to my big day, I was anticipating it with a healthy respect...that kinda verged a little on dread.  It wasn't so much the thought of being older as it was the thought of saying goodbye to my 20s...I hate goodbyes.

I wanted to celebrate in a big way...a day I would remember for the rest of my life...celebrate in a way that was me.  So, months in advance, I looked up races that were going to be held right on my 30th birthday...exactly how I wanted to ring in my thirties.

I ended up settling on The Illinois Marathon.  So, Friday afternoon, my family and I packed up and made the trek to Champaign-Urbana to check in to a hotel.  I was so happy to be able to get away with them...and even happier to wake up on my birthday with all of them sleeping around me.

My husband is not a morning person.  He is a talker, but not when he first wakes up...so it meant so much to me that he got up and spent time with me before I had to leave for my race.

I left my babies sleeping, kissed my husband goodbye, and snuck quietly out of the room to catch the shuttle to the starting line.

I walked in to the bathroom and found a little gift and cards from the kids waiting for me. 

Sitting in the bathroom talking with Dan before I had to go (the kids were all sleeping)...he wanted to get a shot of my new birthday socks. 

I had a great race. I won't go in to a mile by mile play by play that might bore you to death...I'll save that for my running blog. But, I will say that it was a different kind of run for me. I don't like racing alone. I had only done it once prior to this race and it was awful. I was nervous about this race and running 13.1 miles without a running buddy beside me. This race, I proved to myself that it's not so bad and I can do it. I can run my own race, motivate myself when I feel like walking, and have fun in a sea full of strangers. It was my two hours of worship,prayer, and thanksgiving. I crossed the finish line at the 50 yard line of Memorial Stadium and fought back tears of joy and thankfulness. After getting my medal and a bottle of water, I stood there looking around and taking it all in.

I met my family and made the quick drive back to the hotel to get showered. Dan caught me crying in the bathroom and asked what was wrong. Even though it was only 10:30 in the morning, my birthday was all I wanted it to be...with the exception of Jimmy Johns and cake (which came later).

My Princess with the sign she made to cheer me on. 

My Little Man with his sign he made. 

My Middle Man and the sign that he made. 

Posing with my race shirt and my new medal to add to my collection. 

The rest of the day was spent relaxing.  Before the kids went to bed, they came to me for thier goodnight hugs and kisses.  I kissed each one and thanked them for making my birthday so special.  My Middle Man asked me who helped make my birthday the most special.  The simple answer I gave him : Jesus, with Daddy being number two.  So much has changed and happened in these last ten years, but my Jesus has remained constant.  In my 20s, He gave me Dan, blessed me with three beautiful children, carried me through a miscarriage and a 22 month unemployment, brought healing, filled me with joy, brought wonderful friends in to my life, and cared for me so tenderly.  I spent my twentieth birthday with my Dan...which doesn't seem like so long ago, but in a lot of ways it does.  We have been through so much together these past ten years and I am looking forward to bringing in many more decades with him.

Tonight, I am just simply thankful.

Bring on my thirties!

Our Week in Florida

Our week in Florida was much needed and such a good time.  Not only was it our first week long family vacation, it was the first time any of our kids had been down to visit Dan's grandparents.  We spent the week shooting, riding around grandpa's property, fishing, going to the beach, going out to eat, and just relaxing.

We left at around 2:30AM on Saturday morning and drove straight through to Pensacola.  The last few hours were rough...Dan and I wanted to pull our hair out and the kids were (of course) restless, but we made it.

Sunday morning Dan loaded the kids up in the RTV and drove in front of me around his grandparent's property while I got a run in.  I was a little afraid of snakes, but luckily I didn't see any and so that gave me the confidence to go out a couple more times that week by myself.  Grandpa and Grandma took us out for Sunday dinner and then we had a relaxing evening at home.

Monday we decided to take a trip to the beach.  It was the kids first time at the ocean and they had a blast.  They were able to swim, collect a lot of shells, and soak up the Florida sun.

Tuesday we headed to The National Museum of Naval Aviation with Dan's grandparents.  It was an enjoyable time...but the kids lost interest quicker than Dan and I did.  After we spent a few hours there, they took us to McDonalds for lunch and even treated all of us to ice cream cones.  It seemed like we no sooner were finished there that they were taking us out to a place called Firehouse for dinner.  The kids were in Heaven.

Wednesday, we decided that since the weather was gorgeous again that we would head back to the beach for one last time.  It didn't seem like any of us got too much Sun on Monday, but when it was time to pack up and head home this time, we were all burnt.  The waves were huge and the kids enjoyed body surfing...my Middle Man especially.  It was a hard good bye.  I think the kids would have stayed at the beach a lot longer if we would have given them the option.  All of them loved it.  We came back home and Dan, the kids, and Grandpa spent the rest of the day fishing.  Dan was in his element and Kaitlyn is quite a natural little fisher girl.

Thursday was a sad day.  I found myself walking around with a little bit of dread.  It was our last day and the week just flew by way too fast.  It was so nice being together, eating together, sleeping together, doing everything together...that I hated to see it end.  Dan's grandparents took us to breakfast at Crackle Barrel...it was the kids' first time.  They were amazed that there was a store in a restaurant...and for a few days after that, Collin was begging to go back to "The Chipped Barrel".  We had a relaxing rest of the day exploring the property and looking for snakes to shoot.  That evening, Grandma put in a couple of Elvis movies and the kids loved them.

The next morning, we headed for home around five.  It was a sad goodbye.  I really hate that my kids' lives are filled with so many of them...more than I think there should be for their little hearts.  It crushes this Mama's heart when I hear a little voice from the back seat say how much they miss Great Grandpa, Great Grandma, Gammy, Poppy, or whoever we are leaving after an extended visit.  What's even worse is when I hear a tiny whimper or sob escape...my heart just aches for them.

We ended up getting home a little after 11 that night.  We were all sore, tired, and ready to fall in to our own beds.  While it was so nice to be home, I have to say, I missed our togetherness already...knowing that in the morning, there would be places we would have to be...a schedule to keep.  I loved every minute...every second, really...of our little get-away.  This past week, when the stresses of life crept back, the sleepless nights started again, the busyness took over, it was nice to sit down and flip through the pictures...close my eyes and be back there...and that will have to do for at least another year.

Thankful for the time away.

Suffering From A Vacation Hangover

We're back from a wonderful week in the Florida sun...a post on our vacation is coming soon...when I finally can get my head out of vacation mode.

Side of the Fridge

I am in love with what's hanging on the side of my fridge...clean & organized...my cup of tea!

He'll Be Back Again Someday...

...and hopefully not until December!

My Princess and my Middle Man with Frosty (My Littlest Man was inside.  He came down with Strep the night before)

Last Friday, we got a little bit of snow...six inches of wet, heavy snow.  I can't complain.  This mild winter has been wonderful!  We were excited to be able to play in it one last (crossing my fingers) time...and build our very first snowman of the year.  Frosty tipped over two days later with the warmer weather and yesterday he went missing.

Forecast for next week says high sixties...bring it on!

Her Best Friend Curtis

She tucks him in

before she heads off to school

in a new box

that suits him so nicely

she covers him

with the same "specials"

that she needed to sleep

when she was so little

and he waits for her

all day

to come home

to be reunited again

she walks in

he finds her

laying down and relaxing

and he'll come to her

lay on her chest

and go back to sleep

in the arms of his best friend.

No More

This marks the end of an era.  She came to me tonight and said that she knows that there is no Santa, no Easter Bunny, and (gasp) no Tooth Fairy.  I must say, I am totally relieved.

I grew up believing in Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy...and I have to add that I didn't resent my parents, didn't doubt Jesus was real, and wasn't at all disappointed.  So, when it came to raising our kids, our personal preference was to do the whole Santa thing...and whole heartedly believe that it doesn't scar children.  It's a choice.

Never did I think that she would go on believing in Santa until the age of seven and a half.  I was kinda thinking it would be a quick couple of years and then would come the big question and we'd be done.

My husband has been taking time to talk with Kaitlyn about deeper spiritual things.  She wants to be baptized and wants to learn more.  So, I guess this came up in a talk they had...the whole Santa thing.

She came to me tonight before bed and blurted out, "I know that there's no Santa.  That it's you and Daddy."  I smiled and acted surprised...just joking with her.  I asked her if she was disappointed that there's no Santa and no Tooth Fairy.  She laughed and replied, "Nope, because I still like getting gifts from you guys."  It's all good.

Santa and the Tooth Fairy are no more...the Easter Bunny...well, I still have nightmarish visions of him coming to our front door when I was little...he's real, and he's scary.

Frozen

He's the only one home with me. He's the youngest. He's enjoying his
time at home before he's off to kindergarten in the fall. I wish I
would have had a year with each of my kids alone like this.

There's never a dull moment with this one. His world is one of
amazement at the little things, an imagination gone completely wild,
and sweet talking like no one else. One day with him and you will
laugh more, smile more, stand in awe at things that you never have
before, and truly feel like you have lost your mind.

Today was no exception. My littlest man loves to pretend...and most
of all, he loves to play Polly Pocket's. I think it started out as an
obsession only because he could only play when his big sister was away
and it was to be our little secret. Now, he doesn't care...and she
loves that he will sit and play with her. So, after our usual play in
Polly World it was time to move on and play something else.

He was, of course, a prince...and I was some sort of maid or
something. He had a horse and was riding it around. He jumped off of
the horse to come in for some lemonade and juice (bowling pins) and
then announced that he was off to the zoo. I told him that he had
better ride his pony to the zoo. He looked at me, as serious as ever,
and said that he was actually going to ride his pink bunny to the
zoo...and away he hopped, sitting on a giant, stuffed pink bunny.

I called him on his cell minutes later to ask if I was supposed to
feed his horse while he was gone. I expected him to answer with a
simple yes...but I should know by now that nothing is ever simple with
my littlest man. He said, "Oh no, I forgot that I have the bag of
food in my pocket," and so he had to hop back home...with instructions
that I should not feed it all to her at one time. Minutes later, he
was back...and apparently he had gotten his PhD while away. He
instructed me to sit down and got out his stethoscope. "Beep, beep,
beep, beep," He said. "I hear your heart beeping." I asked if he
thought I was going to be okay. "It's beeping so fast. I think you
are going to die soon," and then he was off doing the dishes and
making us a grand meal...his being made up of mostly cookies and mine
being mostly veggies.

A day in the life. I just want to freeze him four forever.

Seriousness of Lately

Once again I find myself staring at my neglected blog, remembering the days where any little thing, any bit of news or happening, found it's way to this page.  I'm gonna try harder, I really am.

Around the middle of January, we had a bit of a scare here.  The thought of going through another unemployment had me in a state of panic.  It was during that time though that I realized how comfortable I have gotten in where we are...how much less I pray...how much less I come to Him with things unless they are urgent...unless they are far beyond what I can handle.  I could really kick myself...give myself a stern talking to.  God is so very patient with me.  Once again, I confess my unbelief and stand in awe of how he works everything out (beyond anything I could have imagined).  Dan worked a few short weeks that we are still trying to catch up on, but he still has a job and we are thankful.  Most of all, I am thankful for the reminder of what He has brought us through and for the reminder that I still need to be face down beside my bed talking to Him, walking the halls at work talking to Him, and ever mindful of how He has promised to never leave or forsake.

I have my sights set on running a half marathon on my 30th (yes, the big 3-0 is coming up for me this year!) birthday.  I had a bit of a scare the past couple of weeks and finally found my way to the doctor last Wednesday.  I am thankful that all of the testing has come back good so far.  I had to cut back my running all last week and got a taste of what life would be without my love...it left me praying that I would never have to live a run-less life.  I haven't had another episode in the past week and I am hoping that whatever it was won't return.  After the half on my birthday, I have my sights set on another full in May...crossing my fingers that everything works out.

My parents were able to come for a visit this past weekend.  It was just what I needed.  My Mom took me away for a pedicure.  My feet enjoyed the TLC.  My Dad took Dan and the boys to see Star Wars in 3D.  While they were away, my Mom treated my Princess to a day out to where ever she chose.  Kait gave it some thought and told her that she wanted to head to Barnes & Noble and then out for shakes...so that's what we did.  We finished up a great day by having a taco party.  The time always seems too short and I am always left waving good bye at the front door, puzzled, wondering where the time went.  I usually walk around for a few days after, feeling like someone has sucker punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me.  It's heartbreak everytime I have to say goodbye to my family...and you would think I would be used to it by now.  I guess after ten years of goodbyes to someone (Dan or my family) it wears on my heart.

February 15th, marked the ten year anniversary of me flying out on a whim to visit Dan for the first time.  I honestly can't believe that it's been ten years.  I was thinking about that the other day...the ups and downs, all we've been through, and how we continue to grow.  These past six weeks, especially, have been the most amazing.  It's been hard work, on both of our parts, but the rewards are great.  I sat in church on Sunday, at the end of the service in a time of prayer, his arm around me, rubbing my shoulder...I have never been more grateful for this man.  He has stepped up...and surprised me, his biggest critic at times.  We are learning right along side of eachother.  I was talking to someone the other day about marriage and how it's the hardest work I have ever done in my life...not a cake walk, my friends...I said that we are almost nine years in to it and it's just in the last couple of weeks that I truly feel that we are beginning to "get it".  It has to do with a lot of factors in our lives and we have in no way "arrived", but we are in a wonderful place right now and I feel blessed to be able to sit beside him in church and thank God for this man he has raised up to lead me and the kids.

So, with all of that seriousness out of the way, I hope to keep this thing up...

Spelling Bee

Both of my kids were in the top three in their class when the grades of their past spelling tests were reviewed and averaged out.  Because of this, they were both told they would be one of three representing their class in their grade spelling bee.  They were given a list of words to practice and told that the spelling bee would be on January 20th.


We practiced and practiced some more. 


My Princess was thrilled and told me that she was going to win.  She exuded confidence and determination...fitting first born personality. 


My Middle Man, on the other hand, dreaded the day, hated to practice, and told me that he knew he wasn't going to win.  He was so unsure of himself and lacked the confidence that he could do this...but his Mama knew he could.


One the morning of the 20th, both of my spellers woke and were not in good spirits. 


My Princess said that her throat, head, and stomach hurt...all signs that she has strep.  I was so concerned for her...not only because she wasn't feeling well, but also because I knew the goal she had set before her.  I asked her if she still wanted to go to school.  She told me yes.  I explained to her (since I knew her bee would be right when she got to school) that when she was finished winning, she could go straight to the nurses office and call me and I would go to the school and get her.  She liked the idea so I gave her a dose of Motrin and sent her on her way with a prayer and a hug.


My Middle Man was so scared.  His stomach hurt, but for a different reason than my Princess.  Before it was time to get coats and shoes on he started to cry and told me he didn't want to be in the spelling bee.  I held him and tried to comfort him.  Ever since seeing The Help, I have been taking my kids' faces in my hands (or whispering in their ears) and saying, "You is kind, you is smart, you is important."  It always brings a smile to their faces.  So, I took his face in my hands, looked him in the eyes, and told him those words.  He giggled a little bit.  I told him that I knew he could do this and it didn't matter to me if he won or not, I was so proud of him for making it in the top three of his class.  So, I sent him off with a prayer and a hug...and Mama had a bit of a stomach ache herself.


I was watching the clock and at 8:45, I began to pray for them.  I was expecting to hear from my Princess anytime after 9:30 or so.  The phone didn't ring.  At around 11:30, I checked my email and there was an email from Landon's teacher telling me that Landon did so well, she was so proud of him, and he won for his grade level!  She said that he actually looked like he enjoyed himself and was excited.  Then, a few minutes later, I got a message from another 2nd grade teacher that I know saying that both of my kids were grade level winners.  Tears filled my eyes and I whispered prayers of thanks...and Mama was so proud.


Around noon, I got a call from the school office saying that Kaitlyn was running a temp of 100.4 and I needed to come get her.  I hurried to pick her up.  I got her in the car and she said she needed to go straight to the doctor because she felt so terrible.  I was so proud of her strong will and determination to hang in there long enough to win.  I asked her if she felt so sick while she was spelling and she said, "I didn't feel any pain while I was spelling.  It felt like there were angels all around me," and I knew that it was because of the many people that were praying for her that morning.  She also mentioned how big her brain must be...so big that it was getting squished inside her skull...maybe we shouldn't tell her how smart she is anymore.  I got her right in to her pediatrician and sure enough, she tested positive for strep.  My poor baby.


Landon came home from school later that afternoon and was all smiles.  I was so happy for him and hoped that this would help build his confidence.  Unlike my Princess, he has no idea just how smart he is...even though we tell him all of the time.  He told his story to all of us and said, "I was so scared to start, but then when I was spelling I thought, 'this is pretty easy!'"  He makes me laugh.


Tomorrow is the school wide spelling bee and no matter what place they come in I couldn't be any more proud. 

I think this calls for more cake pops.

Surrender

I can still picture it...rusty orange pews, head bowed, eyes closed...an alter call and the song "I Surrender All" sung in it's entirety, sometimes two times over.  My lips are moving.  I know this song by heart by now.  The words meaning almost nothing to me.  I've sung them too many times...it's become routine.  It's just another thing between me and lunch.  Three words and I have not a clue just what I am giving breath to.

Surrender - To yield to any influence, emotion, passion, or power. To give up one's self into the power of another.

Fast forward twenty years.  I am running a distance I never thought I would run.  I am at mile ten and the song comes on : "And I Surrender all to You, all to You." is playing in my ears.  Tears fill my eyes and for once in my life, I get a glimpse of what that means.  Pain is rushing through my body, filling up my lungs...my current circumstances flash before me.  My husband is unemployed and has been for over a year, benefits have run out, I am consumed with worry, overtaken with the need to control and fix everything...the weight is heavy.  And in this moment, at mile ten, all I can think about is surrender...not only to this race I am running, but also to The One that has set this path before me. 

This surrender is something I have to fight with every single long run, every single race.  When I am fighting with myself in my head...when I want to quit, when my body is done...I have to surrender.

Just as on the road, daily I must surrender to Him.  When I am wrestling with my own desires and what I know He wants from or for me...when life has me beat down and tired....when I want to throw in the towel and take the easier path...I must surrender.  I must take all that is weighing heavy on me...I must take my need to control....I must take my worry and doubt...just take all of it, and lay it at His feet.

A song, that comes with such negative memories...jaded...is as if I am hearing them with new ears.  My prayer is that these three words, "I. Surrender. All." would be ever so powerful in my life.  I have felt the weight of life on my shoulders when I shouldn't have been shouldering it in the first place...His yoke is easy and his burden is light (Matthew 11:30)...Surrender All.

Celebration of Days

I was putting my little men to bed on Saturday night.  When I kissed my littlest good night he looked at me and said, "Mama, can tomorrow night we have a celebration?"  He cracks me up...he's always looking for a reason to celebrate because whenever there are sweets involved, Collin is there.  I asked him what we would be celebrating.  He told me that we could celebrate the "many years" that we have all lived...mind you that he's only four.  It brought a smile to my face and I began to think of what we could do for our little celebration :

My first attempt at cake pops.  They didn't turn out as well as I hoped, but they tasted good.  The kids were thrilled with their little bites of cake on a stick.

What's a celebration without pizza, of course.  It's usually a $1 Totinos or a $5 hot n ready in this house...but I splurged for our Celebration of Days.

Before anyone could dig in, I handed every one their sign with how many days they have been alive.  Dan was a good sport...even though I think this kinds looks like a mug shot.

I feel so blessed to have been given this many days on this earth...and I am so thankful for the reminder that my littlest man has given us, that every day is a celebration.

My Princess with her number that she decorated.  Blessed to have been given a daughter here on this earth and for her thoughtfulness, smarts, and creativity she brings to our family.

My Middle Man with his grand total.  So thankful for him and his kindness and gentleness that he brings to our family.

And last, but not least (well, I guess his number is the least), my Littlest Man and his "many days".  So thankful for the fun and laughter he brings.

LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered--how fleeting my life is. - Psalms 39:4