From the time I had my first child, I have always known that we are raising our children to, little by little, become more independent...little by little, they will go off on their own and before we know it, they will be gone. That's what kids do. There have been times over these past eight years, when I have wished that I could blink and things could be put on fast forward a day a head, a week a head, even a few months ahead. This was my wish especially in the beginning months when things were always so tough.
I am finding, as the years go by, that I am wanting more and more for there to be a rewind button. Where as in the beginning things seemed to crawl by so slowly, everything is zooming by too fast now.
I think I have blinked too many times.
Yesterday, my three little chicks all left the nest for their first day of school. All three of them...all day. I am tearing up as I type this. I never expected it would be this hard.
The morning went incredibly well. Everyone got dressed, ate, brushed their teeth, and put on shoes and sock with no complaints at all. They were all so excited.
We loaded in the van and made the short drive to school. I was getting teary and my Princess looked at me and said, "Momma, I think you're a little old to cry on the first day of school." It lightened the moment and I managed to hold it together.
The three of them skipped in to school. My Middle Man shot off like a bullet. He looked back to tell me that he knew they way and didn't need me to take him to his class. My Princess stayed back with me and asked if I could take her. I told her that I would be happy to, but I just needed to get my Little Man off to his class. He was charging a head and told me that he knew the way...he could go to his class all by himself. He is such a big boy and there were no tears. I turned around and my Princess was gone. I felt kind of lost. All of my kids had left...all of them were big enough, brave enough to find their own way, to do it themselves. I stood in the hallway for what felt like forever just looking around. And so it began. I was alone. I put on my shades to hide the tears that were welling up and quickly walked out the front door of the school to the van...where I then fell apart and sobbed...and sobbed...and sobbed.
I really don't know what to think about this. It's only day two. I know I will get used to this, but I feel kind of lost. My identity has never been in my kids...even though my heart beats for them. I have built life around them, but have made sure to not loose myself in the process.
I. just. miss. them.