Wednesday, September 2, 2009

That Day

September 2, 2008

A little after lunch time, the phone rang. It was a little strange since Dan usually didn't call unless he was on lunch. Late lunch, maybe?

I was numb. He said the words I was always afraid of hearing.

He said a few words that would change me forever.

I truly can't believe I am writing this post.

I was hoping that I would be celebrating today...reflecting. Waking up in the morning and casually saying to my husband, "Remember what happened a year ago today?" and then chuckle about it a little.

Can't bring myself to chuckle about it today.

Are we really still in this bad dream?

There's no forgetting the significance of today here at our house. There is no casually mentioning what today means...what happened a year ago today. It's a day we will never forget, especially since we are still living with the repercussions.

One year ago today, my husband lost his job.

One year later, still no job.

There have been times when I thought I had lost all hope, but managed to cling to a thread, a speck. I feel a little silly because there have been times that I have dreamed of having a party to celebrate a job on this day, a year later...the praises I would sing..the prayers I would shout out in victory.

I can't help but feel hopeless today. I can't help but say in a quiet whisper, "God, how much longer?" or "God, where are you?"

I have learned that it does me no good to focus on our situation, but rather focus on today and that God has promised that whether we are on the mountain top or down in the valley, He will never leave us there alone. But, no matter how hard I try, the 2nd of every month is a little tougher than all the rest...and maybe a couple days before and a few days after. It's a day we felt an incredible loss and it's been uncertain.

I have doubted, questioned, and been angry at God.
I have cried myself to sleep, cried so hard my stomach hurt, and cried so much that I felt emotionless when it was all over.
I have felt trapped, abandoned, and just plain sick of waiting.

I can't end this post, without first pointing to the goodness of God in this past year, despite of me. We can find His fingerprints everywhere and we don't even have to look very far. God has used this to change us. He has used this to show us that we aren't alone and do need people. God has shown us how blessed we are, how much He has given us, and how much we have taken for granted.

I am celebrating today...not for a reason I had hoped, but because of some of you who have come along side of us either by what you have said to us, the prayers you have said for us, or because of the bills you've paid, food you've brought, or for clothing my kids. Words don't seem like enough and we are so thankful for your choosing to walk with us.

May Dan and I never forget September 2, 2008.
May we never forget what God has done for us, how God has provided.
May we use every opportunity to teach our kids about God and His goodness, grace, mercy, and provision through this road we are walking as a family.
May we choose to forever say, Blessed be His name.

1 things to add:

Jamie said...

Praying for you as always, but a little more today.