Your Eyes

I rarely use the ESV app on my phone...my good old trusty Bible with real paper pages is what I love.  Today, though, I wanted to read a few things and decided it would be more convenient to just use my phone.

I just love, love how God works.

I pulled up the app.  I don't think it was just a coincidence or mistake at what text popped up:

  "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Matthew 25:35-46

Back in July, we (insert happy dance) celebrated two years of employment.  Those twenty two months that Dan was out of work were the most grueling, painful, special, amazing almost two years of my life.  It's easy to forget those times when things are good now that they are in our rear view mirror.

Last week, Dan's hours were cut, which we are still extremely thankful for the hours he does have.  It's easy to have a freak out moment.  It's easy to allow all of the painful memories and feelings of anxiety creep back in and not trust God for my daily bread...even when he carried us so graciously and tenderly through that time in my life.  It's easy to turn inward and start worrying about me, me, me and only think about my little family and our needs.

I was given these verses and an ever so small opportunity to look outward today and give...and I just wanted to share these verses that your eyes may be focused outward and your thoughts focused on Him and what He would have you to do for the least of these.

In Her Eyes

At the beginning of this week, during one of our before bedtime chats, my Princess said something that went like this:

"Momma, I think we need another baby around here.  You can't just sit around all day paying bills and talking to the animals.  It makes you seem like kind of a desperate lady."

In the moment, I wanted to laugh out loud...but I didn't.  What she thinks I do all day is so funny to me.  Little does she know that these past few weeks, as I adjust to my new normal, I have been going out with friends, getting some nice long runs in, relaxing, shopping, catching up on household things, and just enjoying myself.  The first two weeks were rough, but all of the kids have adjusted quiet well now.  My Littlest Man has had a few bumps in the road, but this week has been fabulous for him.

So, I am thankful for my "desperate lady" kind of life right now...well, all except for the paying bills all day part.

The Gym Ruined Me

Two weeks ago, I went in a cancelled my gym membership.  I have belonged to the gym for about two and a half years.  All good things must come to an end...but then I got to thinking...

I am pretty sure that the gym ruined me.

It's always in the 70s
It's never raining, snowing
It's never too hot, or too cold.
There's only tough hills if you want them there
and you can always decide when they start
and when the finish.
You can start out with a distance in mind
but if you are not feeling it
you can always cut it short
and move on to something a bit easier.
You can watch TV and get lost in a show
to take your mind off of what your body is doing
and how you feel.
There's always a bathroom a few feet away...
wait...okay, that's a good thing...
a very good thing.

I guess when I have looked over my past two and a half years, I am just not a gym person.


I need the heat (even though I hate it) and the cold temps.
I need to run in the rain.
To push myself in the snow.
I need those hills that sneak up on me
and the ones that are right there staring me in the eyes...
the ones that I see coming,
that I have to get my game face on for
and that I keep saying in my mind:
You WILL NOT beat me today.
I need those routes that give me no short cuts,
no choice but to go the distance.
I need the time to think,
to sing out loud on a back road,
to run with all I have.

Time to get back what I have lost.
Time to toughen up
and move this show outside.

Animals

I could use up all my fingers and all my toes to count up all of the animals I had growing up and still need extras to count with.  I have loved animals since I was a little girl.  I have a picture of me, I can't be older than two or three, walking a "pet" frog on a string.  We had dogs, cats, hamsters, birds, fish, rabbits...I can remember my Dad catching chipmunks for us and he once brought home a goose (it didn't stay long)...and no, we never lived on a farm.

It's no wonder that my kids, my little girl especially, love animals.

My husband and I tried giving a dog a go before we had kids...didn't last long...and the story always gets a laugh when told.  We tried having a cat and that didn't last long either.   It wasn't until Kait's green eyed, creepy, fanged black friend found his way in to our garage (and eventually our hearts) that things just clicked.  About a year after that, we went to a local shelter and picked out our (now elderly) brown eyed Macy girl.  She was five or six when we brought her home and she has been such a wonderful pet.  A year and a half ago, we decided Macy needed a little sister to liven her up and that's when we brought home her spunky, blue eyed companion...also from a shelter...that drives us nuts with her puppy energy.

Our house is full.  But, I really wouldn't change it for a minute.

I vacuum, sweep, and wash floors way more than I normally would.  But, they add so much more than just extra house work to our family.


Just last week, my Princess finally got her wish and was surprised with this pretty girl:

Meet Latte...my princess is in love...and I am happy to nurture her animal loving spirit.

Just that way...

I am always missing someone.
It's just the way life has been for the past ten years.
There are just times where I miss
my family more than others
and these past few days
have been some of those times.

I don't really feel the hundreds of miles
until days like these.
Phone calls, email, and facebook
make the distance more bearable.
But sometimes, the hundreds of miles
feel more like thousands
and the heartache literally makes
eating and even breathing
more difficult.

Just when I think that I have come to accept
that this is just the way things have to be
Something creeps up inside of me.
my mind starts racing.
things could be different.
but then I am back to square one
and reminded that
I would still be missing someone.

It's just that way...

Empty Nest

From the time I had my first child, I have always known that we are raising our children to, little by little, become more independent...little by little, they will go off on their own and before we know it, they will be gone.  That's what kids do.  There have been times over these past eight years, when I have wished that I could blink and things could be put on fast forward a day a head, a week a head, even a few months ahead.  This was my wish especially in the beginning months when things were always so tough.

I am finding, as the years go by, that I am wanting more and more for there to be a rewind button.  Where as in the beginning things seemed to crawl by so slowly, everything is zooming by too fast now.

I think I have blinked too many times.

Yesterday, my three little chicks all left the nest for their first day of school.  All three of them...all day.  I am tearing up as I type this.  I never expected it would be this hard.

The morning went incredibly well.  Everyone got dressed, ate, brushed their teeth, and put on shoes and sock with no complaints at all.  They were all so excited.

We loaded in the van and made the short drive to school.  I was getting teary and my Princess looked at me and said, "Momma, I think you're a little old to cry on the first day of school."  It lightened the moment and I managed to hold it together.

The three of them skipped in to school.  My Middle Man shot off like a bullet.  He looked back to tell me that he knew they way and didn't need me to take him to his class.  My Princess stayed back with me and asked if I could take her.  I told her that I would be happy to, but I just needed to get my Little Man off to his class.  He was charging a head and told me that he knew the way...he could go to his class all by himself.  He is such a big boy and there were no tears.  I turned around and my Princess was gone.  I felt kind of lost.  All of my kids had left...all of them were big enough, brave enough to find their own way, to do it themselves.  I stood in the hallway for what felt like forever just looking around.  And so it began.  I was alone.  I put on my shades to hide the tears that were welling up and quickly walked out the front door of the school to the van...where I then fell apart and sobbed...and sobbed...and sobbed.

I really don't know what to think about this.  It's only day two.  I know I will get used to this, but I feel kind of lost.  My identity has never been in my kids...even though my heart beats for them.  I have built life around them, but have made sure to not loose myself in the process.

My 3rd grader, my 2nd grader, and my kindergartener!!

I. just. miss. them.

A Whole Hand

My youngest is five.  Five just seems so much older than four.  Maybe because it's halfway to ten.  Maybe because five is a whole hand.  Or maybe it's because he's my youngest...and for being my youngest, that's pretty old.

I woke him up bright and early to get his big day started.  Landon was pretty excited for Collin and helped him open all of his gifts...Collin didn't mind a bit, as you can see. 

Legos, M&M's, Star Wars, and beef jerky pretty much sums it all up.  He's pretty easy to please.  And yes, he requested the beef jerky.

My Littlest Man and Me...love this little guy! 

With the help of some awesome people who gave us free tickets to cover all the kids but one, we were able to plan a super secret surprise for the three birthday boys (my nephew and my two boys) to Six Flags.  They didn't know where we were going until about 5 minutes before we got there.  It was great.

Collin was so happy to have his best buddy (and cousin) there to share the day with him.

We had a great time celebrating.  He said it was his best day ever and that's really all that matters.

Too Quickly

I don't know when it happened, but it happened...
...my babies aren't babies any more.
They can all walk unassisted.
They can entertain themselves.
They can all pronounce their "r"s.
They can all speak and be understood.
They can feed themselves.
They can dress themselves.
It has become even more apparent
these past couple of days.
We pulled out our old home videos
and although I love the stage that we are at,
I have to admit, it left me feeling
a tad
bit
sad.

I sat there watching my little girl sing silly songs,
dressed up in her princess dress,
with her high heels,
and her head full of ringlets.

I sat there watching my toe headed Middle Man jump off of anything and everything,
adding a "g" sound to all of his words,
being ever so polite,
at the so long ago age of three.

I sat there watching my Littlest Man with trouble that sparkled in his eyes,
with no fear,
jumping in to the pool and swimming around before he was even two.

I watched birthday after birthday
just pass by.

And in the blink of an eye, it's all gone.
There were days, when I had three little ones under three,
that I wished for simpler days,
easier days
that they could all be a little more independent.
I wished for more sleep,
I wished that they days wouldn't seem so long.
And poof.
I am here.
I am loving it but at the same time
I am a little weepy.
I am thankful, though, for the reminder
to enjoy this
because I know
it will all be over too
quickly.

Our 4th in Photos

Bits and Pieces

On May 25th, my Princess turned eight.  We celebrated from the time I woke her up singing "Happy Birthday" (a tradition) until her and her cousin finally fell asleep late that night.

On the very same day, both of the kids went and finished up their last day of school.  Upon Landon's request, they both carried in flowers for their teachers as their way of saying "thank you".

That weekend, Dan helped his brother in a cook off competition.  Last year I was working, so it was nice to be able to make it this year.

On June 1st, I flew to New York City and spent the day with a friend from high school.  It was my first time in the city and I had a blast sight seeing.

My friend of 15 years and I on our way to New Jersey on the ferry.  He was a great tour guide and I enjoyed the full day we had together.

Next, I headed over and stayed the rest of the time with my sister and her family in New York.  It was the first time I had ever visited her...and she had just had her 4th little guy.  On Sunday, my brother, his wife, and my neice drove up from PA and we were all able to spend the day together.  It was such a wonderful trip...the only thing missing was my little family.

 

On June 7th, I took the kids strawberry picking for the very first time.  The kids enjoyed each having their own little basket to fill.

The very next day, we found Landon a new bike on craigslist.  He was thrilled!  His old bike (that he's had since his third birthday) was passed down to Collin and everyone was happy.

During the school year, both Kaitlyn and Landon earned a ticket to Six Flags.  For the second year in a row, I was given a season pass by Dan's parents.  So, on June 14th, we spent the day at Six Flags for free.  It was Landon and Collin's first time.  They aren't as daring as Kaitlyn...so she went back again with Dan's Mom a week later and rode the coasters and faced her fears and went on the Giant Drop.

Those are a few bits and pieces from the past month and a half.  The summer is flying by too fast.  I can't believe that July is right around the corner!

Two Wheels...

Every mile stone that my Little Man hits, I am reminded that it's our last...it's the last time one of our children will take their first steps, it's the last time one of our children will say their first word.  I had Dan actually take a picture of me with the last breast milk bottle I pumped for my Littlest Man.  The lasts just keep coming...and unfortunately there is no pause button.


On Saturday, I went out grocery shopping by myself while Dan kept the kids entertained at home. I wasn't gone for that long...nor did I expect a last first to happen while I was away.

When I came home, my Littlest Man was on two wheels. His training wheels were tossed to the side. My Littlest Man is little for his age, but I could have sworn that he grew a couple inches while I was away. I was so excited for him, and frankly, I was thrilled that now I won't have him lagging behind on bike rides...bikes are much faster without those training wheels! It did however, remind me that we will be hitting another big, huge milestone in just a few months...my Littlest Man is going off to kindergarten in the fall...but for now, I like sitting in the driveway and watching him speed around on his two wheeled bike, his little bony legs peddling so fast, asking me to watch him...and I do because, afterall, there is no pause button.

The Question

Last night, the house was quiet.  All the children were snug in their beds and Dan and I were getting ready to watch The Deadliest Catch together.  I was summoned in to Kait's room.  She was wide awake and ready to chat.

My sister is due to have her fourth boy.  There's been a lot of talk about it around here.  Kait has been asking every morning and every night for the past few days if Aunt Calist has had her baby yet.  I guess it got her thinking.

I walked in to her room and she asked if Aunt Calist was in labor.  I told her that it didn't look like there was going to be a baby tonight.  I could see the wheels turning...and I braced for the question.  I didn't know exactly what question it would be, but I knew what direction this conversation was going:

"Mama, where do babies come out of exactly?"

It was in that instant, that her life flashed before my eyes.  In that split second, I imagined my little Kait, not even an hour old, wide eyed and curious, looking around at the big world...I imagined the nights walking her around the house to get her to sleep...I imagined her strong willed little spunk before she could even talk, her obsession with elmo, her saying her first words, taking her first steps, going off to school.  Where have the years gone?

I now have an almost eight year old asking me questions that I have to answer with words like, "vagina", "uterus", "placenta", "dilate", "hormones", and "hysterectomy"...yes, it was a pretty in depth conversation and she had a whole lot of questions...and some of my answers caused her eyes to get as big as saucers.  Never once did she get embarrassed.  Never once did she act uncomfortable.  It was as if we were talking about the weather or her day at school.

So when our conversation came to an end (it was way past her bed time and Daddy was getting a little antsy), I made sure to tell her that what we just talked about was something so special and private...not to be talked about with friends or joked about.  I let her know that she can come to me with any questions that she has and I will always be willing to sit down with her and talk about anything.  She looked at me with her big brown eyes...the same big eyes that I stared in to after she made her entrance in to this world...she had a big smile on her face and she said, "Do you think that tomorrow night we can talk about more stuff like this?  I have a few more questions."  And so, I made a date with my little girl, who is becoming not so little anymore, to talk about things that I can't believe I am talking about with her already.

I turned off her light, told her I loved her so much, and I fought back tears as I walked out of her room.  She's growing up...and there's not much I can do about it.  The thing is, people have warned me about this kinda thing...that they grow up way to quickly...and I don't know why it shocks me still.

Tonight, I am fully prepared for the question, "Mama, now that I know how babies come out, how exactly do they get in there?"