Reflection

I was up late the other night reflecting on this past year. As 2009 comes to an end, I am having a hard time.

I remember thinking, around this time last year, that 2009 would be the year Dan would get a job. That 2008 would be a learning experience...the worst of times...and we would be back to "normal". I am slightly disappointed (okay, maybe a lot disappointed) that things didn't quite work out that way and that 2009 was the year that Dan spent the entire year unemployed.

I still have my moments (if you haven't already caught on) that I throw myself a pity party or get down right depressed about our situation. There are still days that I feel hopeless. Days that I look to Heaven and ask God how much longer...another year has passed and I am still waiting.

I have had many, many months of learning (God is not finished with me yet) that I need to turn my pity party in to a praising party. I have learned to ask myself, often out loud, "Are you lacking anything? Are you taken care of?" And because of God's goodness and grace, my answer is still no to the first question and yes to the latter.

Two thousand nine will be a year that I will never forget. A year that my husband was unemployed for all twelve months. A year that taught me so much. A year that broke me. A hard, hard year...but a year that I have much to be thankful for:

January - I start a job that I had been praying for and three weeks later was able to quit the other job I was working. Dan and I both feel God's calling on us to adopt (we haven't forgotten). God also tells me that 2009 would be the year that I would learn to be still and wait.

February - I read The Gospel of Ruth that seriously gives me strength to go on and leaves me whispering, "God pursue me in my pain." :

Somehow we've convinced ourselves that the more mature we become as Christians - and both Naomi and Job were seasoned believers - the thicker our spiritual skin will become. We'll be resilient in adversity. It's a sign of spiritual failure (so we tell ourselves) when suffering gets the better of us and our faith in God gets shaky. Such notions (which aren't supported by scripture, certainly not by the legacies of Naomi and Job) get in the way of our spiritual growth and block us from engaging the God who pursues us in our pain. To tell the truth, when the full force of our sufferings hit us, no matter how long we've walked with God or how much theology we've mastered, faith in God can take an awful beating. ~ The Gospel of Ruth, Carolyn James (p. 43)

March - Celebrate 6 years of marriage, the best one yet.

April - God provides the money for us to purchase our van with cash and we celebrate two birthdays in two big ways. On the flip side, our freezer quits on us leaving a bunch of spoiled food and we have both boys to the ER with in a matter of a week or so. I have to chose to say, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord."

May - God provides a whole summer wardrobe for my Princess and we celebrate 5 years of life with her.

June - We spend many days by the pool. We make it a total of nine months without missing or being late on one bill. We are lacking nothing and God gave me this verse:

The LORD your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands.
He has watched over your journey through this vast desert.
These forty years the LORD your God has been with you,
and you have not lacked anything.
~Deuteronomy 2:7

July - Family life is great. We have a family fun night. Collin (at 23 months) learns to ride a two wheeler with training wheels.

August - Celebrate Collin's 2nd birthday and Landon's 4th, Kait learns to ride a two wheeler and goes to kindergarten, I run an awesome CRIM. We are hit with a huge bill to fix the van, but the money is in our savings account.

September - We hit the one year mark and my world was dark for a few days before and after. We found out we had lost our unemployment. I want to quit but God asked me to "believe Him". I finish a half marathon.

October - All three kids are clothed for the fall/winter by others. Food is given to us and during a shopping trip my grocery bill is paid for by someone. Money is given to us at church and comes in the mail.

November - Dan and I go where God leads and while we are there, our unemployment is reinstated. We make a great team. We spend more money than we had planned (or budgeted) and God moves people to give to us an amount that totaled what we spent while we were down there. We spend Thanksgiving in Michigan with my side of the family.

December - God continues to provide our needs and beyond. We get two free date nights. A special Christmas is spent with Dan's side of the family. Two thousand nine comes to an end.

We are lacking nothing.

Christmas recap in photos

Our tree after Santa came.

I woke my sleepy heads up at 7:15 because I couldn't stand it any longer...they still have their sleepy eyes in this picture...not quite awake yet.

A bit more awake after opening up gifts.

We spent Christmas at Dan's parent's this year. We had fun being together, eating together, and playing games together.

The clan...everyone in their PJs...the only way to spend a Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas!

Wordless Wednesday: Christmas Wonderland

Running

Hollie and I went our separate ways in the blog world. Running The Hard Road is no more. You can follow me now at Running My Victory Lap (www.runningmyvictorylap.blogspot.com).

Countdown to Christmas : Candy Canes

We started out with a story:

A candymaker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would remind people of the true meaning of Christmas; so he made the candy cane to incorporate several symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy. White to symbolize the Virgin Birth and the sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock, the foundation of the Church, and the firmness of the promises of God.

The candymaker then shaped his cane into the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to the earth as Savior. It could also represent the staff of the "Good Shepherd" with which He reaches down to to reclaim the fallen lambs who, like sheep, have gone astray.

Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candymaker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ on the cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life.

After I read the story I asked a few questions:

Me: What letter is this?

Kaitlyn: A "J"

Me: And what starts with "J"

Landon: Apple!

Me: No, Kaitlyn?

Kaitlyn: Jerusalem!!

I managed to keep a straight face while Dan was bent over the kitchen sink laughing his head off. :-)

Then we started on our reindeer crafts:

Countdown to Christmas : Cookies

Snow Day!

Kaitlyn had her first snow day today. I knew how exciting it was for the kids from personal experience, but never realized how fun snow days are for the parents too!

I was especially happy that Daddy was home with us to be able to enjoy the snow as a family. We got out there and piled up snow to build a fort below our deck (no pictures, I was too busy having fun with my little family). At one point, Landon looked at me and said, "Mommy, this is great that we are all doing team work together."

I was dreading snow like this for selfish reasons, but I am realizing there are more important things other than running on a snow-less road. Hooray for family time and snow days!

Angels

Sometimes you just gotta stay home from church. Today was one of those days. So, while Daddy went off to church to teach, the four of us stayed home and did "church" at home.


I wanted to follow along with what they would be learning if they went to their classes today. So, the passage that I taught was Luke 1:26-38. I read it from my Bible and discussed each verse as I went along to make sure they understood the basic point. At the end, I asked questions.


Earlier in the morning I searched online and found a printable that went along with our lesson and printed one for each of my kiddos. We headed to the table and got to crafting:

452 days

I have been working outside of the home for over a year now. It started out as an act of desperation in a not very likable position. But, one year ago, I got the news that I had gotten the phlebotomy job that I had been praying for.

It has been a perfect fit for me. My boss has been really great and has even had Dan do some side work in the past for him. My co workers are awesome. It's unlike any work environment I have been in ever. We are truly a team and it makes leaving my family and going in to work a little easier. I'll admit that my vein fetish helps a bit too.

It's been fifteen months since Dan lost his job. Every month, I hope and pray it's the last 2nd of the month that we will see that Dan is still unemployed. I don't wish for my old life anymore. I am happy to walk with God down this road that He has set in place for us. Part of me though...okay, a lot of me, still cries out and asks Him to take this cup from me. With the busyness of the season, it's easy to not set out time in His Word and in prayer...and then I begin to feel it again. I feel despair, jealousy, selfishness, sadness, and anger. All of these are a reminder that I can't walk this alone...that I can't let go of His hand for a second.

I am hoping that January will bring some exciting things for us...hoping and praying.

Please God, only one more 2nd...

Countdown to Christmas - The Tree

In the 7 Christmases we have spent together as a married couple, we have never had a real tree. We will be home this year for Christmas so we decided to go pick one out. We ended up at Menards with a tree that cost us about $15...can't beat that!


After we ate our countdown to Christmas kisses, we pulled out the Christmas tree decorations and got to work. I put in a Christmas CD...gotta have Christmas music when decorating the tree. The kids really enjoyed putting things on the tree this year.


After we were finished we read about the Christmas tree and how it should remind us of Jesus.


As the kids get older, the more fun the holidays become.

Countdown to Christmas

We are all so excited for Christmas this year! With the help of a book that my bestest recommended, The ADVENTure of Christmas by Lisa Whelchel, we have a lot planned for the month of December to remember why we celebrate Christmas and to keep the meaning centered around Jesus.

I couldn't get the whole thing in the picture, but this is our countdown to Christmas. It's about 5 ft long. It has three kisses in each bundle. Every afternoon when Kaitlyn gets home from school, we cut the bottom bundle off and they each get a countdown kiss. They can go over and count how many are left to see how many more days until Christmas.

Last night we went and drove around our little town looking at outdoor Christmas lights. Before hand, we read a story about outdoor lights and how we as Christians should be "God's light" in our neighbourhoods all year round. The kids chipped in with tangible ways we can do that. It's was pretty fun.

This month I will be doing several posts on our Countdown to Christmas...our next one starts when Kaitlyn comes home from school in just a bit!!





In other news, my littlest man is now in a twin bed! It was not planned at all. On Sunday night he told us that he wanted to sleep in a big boy bed and so that is where we put him. I didn't think it would last more than 10 minutes, but we didn't hear a peep out of him until the next morning. He is doing wonderfully in his big boy bed...and I am a little excited to get rid of the crib!!!

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Poppy and my two little men

My sister, brother, and me

Buddies - Levi and Collin


Cousins - my sister's two, my brother's little girl, and my three

Helping make the pumpkin pies

Brothers

Baby Emery thinking her Daddy is pretty funny

Missing

I have been traveling down the same road for almost 8 years now.
I know it all too well.
Often, I put myself on autopilot and a few miles go by that I don't even remember.
I can pass a landmark and know how much longer it's going to be.
I have my favorite places to stop...in case we need to stop.

I used to start in Michigan, just myself in my cute little two door Cavalier.
I would be so excited to see him and would think about him the whole way there.
I would dread driving the opposite way.
My heart would ache when I would read the "Indiana" state sign because we were no longer in the same state together.

I thought once we got married, that this ache would go away.

Now I start in Illinois, my little family and me in a cute little minivan.
I get so excited about seeing everyone in Michigan that I have trouble sleeping the night before.
The time goes by so fast...it's like I blink and it's over.
There is a sadness every time I read the "Indiana" state sign because we are no longer all in the same state.

Although it's getting easier as the years go by to come back home, the ache is still there, and I am always missing someone.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! We were able to spend last week in Michigan with my extended family...the first time all being together since last Christmas. It was nice to be together, see grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins...run with my sister every morning (even though she did kick my butt)...see my little niece for the first time...eat my Mom's wonderful cooking (that aided in my gaining 3 pounds!)...talk face to face with everyone instead of over the phone...laugh...love...and be thankful. Pictures are coming!!

Thankful

I've not been one for blogging lately...too busy, too stressed, and just not really that in to it. But, I couldn't pass up doing a thankful post this year.

I find myself staring at my dining room wall (which has "Give Thanks" written across it) reflecting on all God has done. I don't think I have ever been more thankful in my life...never ever:

I find myself thinking about and gazing at my husband often, missing him so much if we even spend a work day apart. I am thankful that we are still going strong and doing better than ever. Satan would love our marriage to fall apart, but no way are we giving him any ground. Marriage is hard work, but man, is it a beautiful thing. Never have I been more in love with my man, especially after the past three months. I don't think I have been more thankful for him in my life...never ever.

I find myself watching my kids play, sitting back and watching them laugh. They are such a joy in my life. I am so thankful for the three little lives He has entrusted Dan and me with. I have a renewed love for my children and I am determined to give my all. I don't think I have ever been more thankful for my kids in my life...never ever.

I am blown away at how God has carried us through these past almost 16 months. I am amazed at all He has provided and we continue to lack nothing. I am thankful for the roof over our heads, the cars in our garage, the food in our cupboards, the clothes in our closets, the shoes on our feet, the warmth of our beds, hot showers in the morning, a flick of a light switch at night. I don't think I have ever been more thankful for the little things and not so little things in life... never ever.

What would I do without our support system? We have such a huge support of family and friends. Honestly, I don't think I would still be standing after this long without these people. God has given us these wonderful people to come along side us and help us to know that He is still here with us through the darkest of times, whether it be a encouraging email or card or a little bit of cash to pay a bill. I don't think I have ever been more thankful for the people God has placed in my life...never ever.

As long as my legs work and my lungs still take in oxygen, I will run. It's an escape, a stress reliever, and a thrill. I am so thankful for the body that God has giving me and for the health He has blessed me with that I am able to run. It's something that I don't intend to ever give up. I don't think I have ever been more thankful that I can run...never ever.

I often think about my SAHM days. Although I long to be at home full time with my kids, I also know that God has blessed me with an incredible job and work environment. I have been working at my current job as a phlebotomist for almost a year now. It was hard to get a system going to keep all my plates spinning, but I feel like I finally have it down. I am thankful that I am able to help out my family financially and lessen the burden on my husband a little bit through this time. I am thankful for the skills that God has blessed me with and the people I get a chance to meet, even if it's ever so brief. I don't think I have ever been more thankful for my job...never ever.

I find myself reflecting on my Savior...on what He did for me and all He continues to do. I think about the fact that He knew my name and numbered my days even before I was alive. I think about His love and care for me. I see His had ever so present in my life. He has carried me places that I never would want to go again unless I knew that He would be right there beside me. I have never trusted in my Savior so much. I don't think I have ever been more thankful for my God in my life...never ever.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you out there! I hope this Thanksgiving you are able to reflect on all you have to be thankful for.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is Good; His love endures forever.

~Psalms 118:1

Going where He sent us...

Dan and I both felt God's calling. It was a strong urge that we both could not ignore. We were going to get there somehow.

We made a quick decision on Monday night to fly out of state and help family in a time of need. The kids were dropped off at Dan's brother and sister-in-law's house and by Wednesday morning, at 3AM, we were on our way to the airport.

I am not going to go in to much detail at all. Only that, before I walked in to their house, I prayed that God would help me to pour everything I had in to them for the few days we were there. I asked for His help, knowing that I could not do this without Him to keep me going. I could see and feel his hand in everything. I have never been more physically or emotionally exhausted in my life, but by His grace I was able to keep going, keep my energy up, and love with all that I had.

I was thinking about this on the flight home. If Dan lost his job and we have endured these past almost 15 months of unemployed life only to be available at this very moment, it has all been worth it. I would go through it all again. All the tears, the heartache, the uncertainty, the pain, the pruning...I would go through it all again to be broken, humbled, and prepared for this week, for this trip.

I am an emotional mess right now. I was so excited to get back to my three precious babies, but I miss everyone I just left. My heart aches to be with them, the kiss all over them, to chase them around the house, to hear them laugh, to tickle them, to serve them, to braid their hair, to wash their faces. I knew it would be painful to leave...I just didn't know how painful...

Home

I'm dealing with a lot of mixed feeling right now...but, we are home. Tonight, I will post more.

Avoided

I bought it before Kaitlyn was even born. We were living in a one bedroom apartment with a den and the walls were closing in on us. I bought it and filled it up with baby girl clothes. It was for organization.

It survived a move and we've had it in one of the kids' closets ever since.

Recently it has been used for something other than organization.

Kaitlyn started kindergarten and the war began. She is a sweatshirt and sweatpants kinda girl...either that or skirts and dresses all the time. She hates jeans with a passion. Every morning, I would fight with my 5 year old about what she would be wearing for the day (and they say it gets worse when they are teenagers!). It would put her behind in the morning routine and she would head out the door with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. I would feel terrible for her. It's no way to start a morning.

I have seen them before in magazines. When I was thinking about how to make the morning smoother, they popped in to my mind. I couldn't buy one so I made one myself out of the hanging organizer that I had purchased before this little girl was born. Little did I know, it would be used years later, when we would fight about what this little girl would wear.

I took the hanging organizer and labeled 5 pockets with the weekdays. Now, every Sunday, I pick out the weeks outfits for her...even down to what underwear she will wear that day. When she gets up in the morning, she knows to go to the day, take out that outfit, and put it on. We have come to an agreement that she can wear sweatpants a couple days out of the week. We haven't had an argument since.

Christmas Cards for Noah

I am reminded everyday just how fortunate Dan and I are to have three healthy children. I hope all of you will take the opportunity to be a part of this...I checked it out on snopes and it is legit.

Noah is a five year old boy that was diagnosed with stage IV neuroblastoma in 2007, after being in remission, they found out that the cancer is back and has spread. He is not expected to make in to Christmas and his Mom is asking that Christmas come a little early for him. All cards can be sent to:

Noah Biorkman

1141 Fountain View Circle

South Lyon, MI 48178

Take this chance to get in to the Christmas spirit a little early and get your kids involved too!

Wordless Wednesday (Family Twister Night)

Amazed at Fourteen

This past month has been nothing short of A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

Fourteen months and I feel renewed.

When we lost our unemployment back in August, I thought it was hopeless...God had bigger plans.

He carried us through one month and I breathed a sigh of relief.

We walked with him through another month and the lights went on.

He is going to take care of us no matter what.

I thought living on 40% of what Dan was making when he was working was hard! These past two months have forced me to really believe God and claim His promises. Never in my life have a lived this way. We had no back up plan, no other choice. It was up to God to provide for us and I looked to Him for my Daily Bread. I have seen amazing things. Our freezer is full, my kids have closets full of winter clothes, and we have not been late on one single bill. God is Good seems like an understatement right now.

There are changes going on here...exciting ones!

We got a letter from UE two weeks ago saying that our benefits would be reinstated pending 30 days that they have to contest the decision. We expected to have to wait the 30 days to see anything deposited into our account. Well, that's not the case! We are praising God for the relief that he has brought to us...even if we lose it in the next two weeks.

I am still loving my job. I think back to how miserable I was where I was working last year (I was unloading trucks at walmart...you gotta do, what you gotta do). What a difference! I have a great boss and I work with wonderful people. I am currently taking steps to earn the title of Phlebotomy Tech 2, which will earn me a little raise. I am so thankful that God equipped me with the skills and training several years ago for such a time as this and I count it a blessing to be able to provide for my family.

The biggest change that is going to be taking place around here is Dan going back to school. I am so excited for him! We have thrown the idea around for a while and feel like we have "wasted" a year. It would be a shame for another year to pass and again be left with the "I wish we would have done this". He is waiting to hear on the grants he applied for. If he is approved, he will be taking a full load...if not, he will have to do it a little chunk at a time.

Amazing pretty much sums up this past month. A year ago, I complained about having to live on 40% of what Dan was making. After two months of living without that UE check, 40% is a blessing!

I have come to terms with the fact that life two years ago is something that we cannot go back to. It was a painful realization, but I had to deal with it. I was holding out for life to get back to that comfortable "normal"...back to the life I used to have where Dan went off to work and made good money and I stayed home with the kids...back to the life where I didn't feel a twinge of jealousy when people talked about going here, doing this, buying this. In the beginning, I could hope that we were going to be in this situation for just a short time...I could hope for my "before normal" and be happy for others when their husbands got a big bonus or even just got a job....when people were able to go on vacation or even just go out on a date. The months went by, and I could pretend to be happy, but I would get home or get off the phone and just sob. My heart ached to be able to just live a day without all this stress heavy on my back.

Then, after we lost our unemployment, God really spoke to me and to my heart revealing some pretty ugly things. I heard him say, "My child, are you lacking anything?" With the bitter tears running down my face, I thought and was forced to answer no. "Search yourself, search your heart." I found a prideful, jealous person that was still holding on to the past. Those feelings still creep up but I have learned to ask myself, "Are you taken care of? Are you lacking anything?" and the answer is always no.

Despite of me, God continues to bless us beyond what we could have ever imagined. The details of my everyday life that God has planned out and ordained before time amaze me.

I am amazed.

Halloween 2009

Thanks to hand-me-down costumes for the boys, $5 kitty ears for Kate, and some face paints the kids had a blast this year for Halloween!

Checking themselves out in the mirror.

Kaitlyn didn't want Macy to feel left out and also wanted her in the Halloween spirit. So, she decided the old girl needed to get dressed up. Macy was a good sport.

Wanna Be Mistaken...

Pretty Cat

Isn't this the cutest cat you've ever seen? Kaitlyn has her Halloween parade tomorrow at school so we did a little dress rehersal today. All we did was go out and buy the ears, tail, and bow tie for $5 at Walmart and there we go. She loves it!

A Blessing in Disguise

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

~Romans 8:28

It was 1 AM on October 27th. I was working at Walmart and had just completed my shift. I was exhausted from hardly any sleep the night before and a 10K race follow by work on the 26th. I had that foggy feeling in my head as I headed to the van. I sat there for a minute to let the van warm up. Put it in reverse, backed up, and then put it in drive. The rest is history. I don't remember much except for wondering why all of a sudden I was pushing the gas and the van wouldn't go anywhere...and the smoke. Where was all the smoke coming from?

Well, I had hit a light pole...you know, the ones that are buried in the concrete cylinder...in the parking lot of Walmart. The light is still leaning a bit to this day...I feel a sense of pride whenever I see it. I totalled the van...totalled it. My husband was jobless and I crashed the only vehicle that I was able to drive (his car is a stick shift).

The story gets better. I wasn't all there and my cell was dead. So, I had the bright idea of running home to let Dan know I had done. It was the fastest mile I had done in a while. I got home and knocked on the door. My husband informed me that I had just left the scene of an accident...I guess you aren't supposed to do that kind of thing. It was a wild night, like I said, most of it was a blur. But, one thing I do remember is how Dan made me feel. He wasn't upset with me at all. His display of love and acceptance was amazing that night. He made me feel safe.

Crashing the van was a blessing in disguise. I questioned why this, why now. God works everything for good. It was a car payment we couldn't afford...a money pit with problems. The six months we went without a second car and crammed (all 5 of us) in Dan's Aveo taught me to be thankful for what we have and that we can do without a lot...more than we think. It also was an eye opener as far as taking out loans for vehicles goes. It forced me to do something I never thought possible, I learned to drive a stick. God is so good and six months later, after saving, saving, saving, we paid cash for a van.

So, today is a reminder. Sometimes we don't understand...and maybe we never will. But, God's ways are higher than our ways. I think I just might take a drive and lay a wreath by the light post in memory of good old Bessie and an accident that I will never live down or hear the end of it. I am able to laugh at myself and chuckle when I think of the kids, months after, telling me to be careful and not crash the only car we had at the time...like I was a bad driver or something.

Pumpkin Fest 10K 2009

Some give up their designs when they have almost reached the goal; while others, on the contrary, obtain a victory by exerting, at the last moment, more vigorous efforts than ever before.

~Herodotus

This race started with a goal. I have never run a 10K in under 1 hour and I set a goal that this would be the one. Since last June, my 10K times have consistently gone down every time I have run one. I came so close to getting under an hour in the Milk Days Run this past June. I was upset to see that I missed it by less than a minute.

This morning I felt great. I set a goal to keep my pace under 9:30/mile. It always takes me a mile to warm up, so my first mile is usually my slowest....10:30 feels more comfortable to me during my first mile. Well, I ran my first mile in 9:15 and the rest pretty much followed suit.

The last mile was painful. I played a few mind games with myself, going back and forth between, "You've got to stop and walk." and "No, you will not stop and walk! This is your last race and you are not a quitter!" I pushed through it, felt as if I was having an anxiety attack, and passed several during my sprint across the finish line.

My official time: 58:49 (I knocked 5 minutes off of my time for this course last year)!!! I am very pleased with it...yet saddened that this will be the last race of the year. It's been a wonderful season.

Song for Saturday

I am really excited about running a 10K tomorrow. This is on my 10K playlist:

A boy and his toy...

I work with a great bunch of people. At the beginning of this week, a co-worker of mine asked if my boys would like a couple of toys to play on...for free! All three kids have loved them. Yesterday they rode them until they died...and then rode them til they died again.

Tuesday's Time to Rewind

One year ago, I was reading From Fear to Love:

October 29th, 2008

Learning What's Worth Living For (pg 22)

Our circumstances forced us to evaluate what as most important in life and what was worth living for. We reminded ourselves the God does stand as a sentinel at the gate of our lives, knowing exactly what comes in. We grew to realize that God is more concerned about or relationship with Him than all of our material and earthly pleasures. He came to bring us life in all its fullness. He allowed everything we had placed security in to be stripped away, so that we would find security in a way no earthly pleasure could satisfy.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1:2-3

****

When I posted the paragraph above almost one year ago, it was real to me...it's even more real to me now.

One year later, I find myself satisfied...not in material things, but in God alone.

There have been times, when this road that God has chosen for us has been anything but joyous...joy, at times, has felt like it's gone forever. I am so glad that God never gives up on his children, because it's through trials like these that God, if you are willing to follow, leads you to the deepest joy you will every know amidst the deepest pain. God is good like that.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

~Psalms 34:8

Bending Your Heart

Here's a paragraph from The Praying Life by Paul Miller that really spoke to me:

When you stop trying to control your life and instead allow your anxieties and problems to bring you to God in prayer, you shift from worry to watching. You watch God weave his patterns in the story of your life. Instead of trying to be out front, designing your life, you realize you are inside of God's drama. As you wait, you being to see him work, and your life begins to sparkle with wonder. You are learning to trust again.

My Sister

The lovely Calist and me after finishing The CRIM.

The lovely Calist and me before running our half marathon.

I posted this same post last year on her birthday. It still fits:

She's been a constant in my life. I don't remember life without her. I actually didn't live much life without her. She has always been there, always been dependable, always listened, always been honest. We are total opposites but we get eachother...even though, I do think we are more alike than we were 10 years ago.

Most of my greatest memories from when I was younger include her. We were always paired together....twins when we were younger then as the "Farmer girls" when we got into Jr High. We were going to live together forever, do everything together. If we did happen to find someone to marry, they would be brothers so that we could have a double wedding and live right next door to eachother.

I would wake her at night to take me to the bathroom. She did it without complaining. She would sit outside the door, half asleep, until I was finished. Somehow, I thought that she could rescue me from the boogie man. As we got older, we would stay awake for hours talking about anything and everything until one of us would drift off to sleep. She was my other half...my better half.

Well, sometimes life doesn't go as planned. I miss her dearly. We live many states apart, see eachother only a few times a year. We didn't marry brothers, our kids don't get to see eachother for weekly playdates, and we don't have the privilege of doing Sunday dinner. The bond is still there though. There will never be another like her.

Happy Birthday, Calist. I can never fully express what you have meant and continue to mean to me. I am so thankful that I have had the opportunity to race with you this year...it's been a blast! I miss you so much and love you even more. I am still holding out hope that one day we will be a short car ride away.