Thursday, September 2, 2010

730.484398 Days

I don't think there will ever be another September second that I don't think back to the one in 2008. There won't be another September second where I don't remember the phone call...the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach...crying off and on all day long...the look on my husband's face when he got home from work...the wondering, "what are we going to do now?"...the crying out to God.

I am so glad that on this September 2nd, my husband is not unemployed...that we aren't spending this September 2nd "celebrating" another anniversary. I really don't think my body, my soul, my mind could have taken it...and my God knew that.

It was predestined before the creation of the world that on that day in 2008, my husband would lose his big fear of "what if" would happen. My world, my marriage, my little family would be turned up side down. I would struggle with God, plead with God, until I finally learned to wait on God and trust His plan. I would feel lost, lonely, forgotten before feeling loved, surrounded, and remembered. I would spend countless days on the floor of my bedroom, with the door locked, crying in to the carpet hoping the kids wouldn't hear me, but knowing God did. I would sob out loud while driving home from work late at night hoping it wouldn't be much longer. It was a roller coaster ride that I would want to jump off of. It was a season in my life that was sometimes more than I thought I could take.

My God knows me. My God knew how much I could handle with Him. He knew what I needed in my life. He knew what I needed to learn and he knew just how He could teach me. I can stand here today and remember the pain so vividly that it brings tears to my eyes. I can think back on certain times and get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. But no matter what I remember, what I think upon the past two years, I. am. thankful. My God cared for me so deeply, so tenderly...wrote a story so beautifully...and I feel beyond blessed, beyond privileged to have been chosen to walk this road. Two years ago, I felt...I thought...that my world had ended. I have learned as I walked this road with my God that it's on that day that the restoration began.

I stand here today and there is so much more I could say...or try to put in to words...but there is part of me that just can't find the words. My heart swells with thankfulness. Satan tried and tried over these past two years to ruin ruin our marriage, to ruin our hopes and dreams, to ruin everything. He wanted so badly, I know, to take this time and twist it to make us believe that God wasn't there, He didn't care, He left us. My love is too deep for the One who first loved me. He never left me, He cared for us and ever detail so tenderly and it leaves me speechless before Him. Just speechless.

1 things to add:

Rebecca said...

Just came across this & am rejoicing with you! Beautiful sentiments.