Friday, November 5, 2010

Another Year

Four years ago, on November 5th, 2006, a positive two weeks before became heartache as I sat in church...instantly I knew.  I was cramping.  I was filled with worry.  I couldn't get home fast enough.  I was losing my baby...and there was absolutely nothing I could do.

I slept most of the afternoon away, curled up in a ball, hoping that somehow it would cradle her enough that she would be safe and all would be well.  Later on that evening, I knew she was gone.

The miracle of life all the more real to me...the guilt burned deep.  Just two weeks before, I saw those two lines.  This wasn't "our" plan.  We already had our perfect family of four.  One more would just complicate things.

It didn't take long for me to come around.  In a couple of days I was planning, excited, dreaming.  And then the day came.  Dreams crushed...and I felt guilty for my initial somehow in those first few days, I sealed her fate.

We chose to name her : Madelyn, meaning magnificent.  Magnificent for what she taught us, what she meant in the short little time she lived inside of me.  Without her, we wouldn't have surrendered our will to His.  We wouldn't have our little man.  I wouldn't have to same view on what a miracle all my children are...every child is.

Shortly after we lost her, I had a dream about what she looked like.  She was gorgeous.  She looked like Landon.  She was okay.  She was safe.  She is waiting for us.

Another year has gone by...another day to reflect more than most...and be thankful.

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