Half of a Year

It's that time again. Here I am, nothing but honest. It's been six whole months since my husband lost his job. Conflicted is the only word I could come up with to sum up this past month.

I am conflicted because I feel like God is so near in my life right now, but at the very same time I feel as if he has forgotten about us. If that makes any sense at all.

He has shown many ways this month that He is with us every step of the way. Remember last month when I said I was worried about being over budget and a deficit of $100 on top of that? Well, not only did God provide that $100, He blew it out of the water. I am so thankful for the people that allowed God to use them to provide for us. It confirms in my mind over and over that we are well taken care of and loved with the hesed that only comes from Him. It was such an encouragement.

On the flip side, six months is a long time. A long time of disappointments, doors being closed, and just feeling like we are headed no where fast. It's not about the money, or lack of. I just want my husband back. The further we walk together through this trial, the more I feel like I am losing him...the man he was. I hate seeing him discouraged and hurt. He's been so strong for me and now I see him unraveling before my eyes.

I once read a story of a grandmother who began her prayer with her full name and address just so God would know "which one" she was. Some days, I feel so desperate I just want to cry out, "Dear Lord, this is Beth ______, you know, if you look right over here at this latitude and this longitude we are the ones on this street. We have a deck on the back and if you would like I will stand out in my yard and wave my hands so you will know it's me." I know, it's silly. How much longer? What can I get that I have been to blind to see? What am I doing that I need to change? Take what's left of me, Lord.

Just being honest. This time of the month is always hard. If you have been reading, you know that already.

Lord, help!