Monday, September 22, 2008

Where's the potion?

I remember being so impatient toward the end of my pregnancies. I was so sure that because I was dilated to two that I wouldn't make it to my next appointment...and then I would. I hated not having an exact date (due date meant nothing to me). If I only knew when it would all be over, I could sit tight until then...or so I thought. Luckily, I had a magic potion that I took to get it all over with.

Well, that's the only way I know how to describe how I feel. If I only had a date. If I only knew how much longer I had to "make it" like this. If I only knew when this would all be over. If I only had a magic potion to take to get life back to normal around here...or at least feel like I could function in life.

I have had a horrible past few days. I don't know if I need someone to smack me across the face and tell me to snap out of it (please don't verbally smack me because that would hurt more than a physical smack) or if what I am feeling is totally normal. I am not good with change, never have been. This is probably the biggest change that I have ever had to adjust to and right now I think I am failing.

I feel like a spoiled one has to tell me that. I have already beat myself up about that over and over. God has shown himself to us so many times over the past three weeks. Yet, I am asking Him for more. I am crying out to Him telling Him that I can't take this any more. I need more from Him. I need Him to fix everything.

It is making me sick to my stomach to think about going back to work. I think it's the hours (4pm to 1am) or maybe it's where I am going to be or what I am going to be making. God has blessed me with a job and am hardly thankful. It was fun to sit and daydream while watching my kids play about going out and getting a job to get out of the house. Now that I am forced and have no other choice, I am dreading it. Again, totally spoiled.

This is incredibly lonely or maybe I am making it that way. I am a "Debby Downer". I am stuck in a pit and I am trying to figure out if I have been pushed into it, jumped into it, or thrown into it, or if it makes any difference at all. I am thankful but also angry, sad, confused and wondering how I can feel all of those at the same time. I know all the words to say, I know what I should be doing, I know how to's just my heart that won't cooperate. I am having a hard time staying positive and having a hard time believing what I know I should believe. Guess it's harder when you are in it. I can't pretend anymore and I guess that's the hardest thing for me. I have always thought that I gotta be tough, gotta be strong and not let anyone know how much I am hurting. Afterall, that would mean that I am admitting weakness...or even worse, that I am more messed up than people should know about.

Sorry, I am rambling, I know. I needed to vent. Maybe this isn't the best place. But, this is my blog and this is my update.

P.S. Still no unemployment....even more grrrr.

9 things to add:

Saralyn said...

Or maybe it means your in exactly the place God wants you to be: broken and weak.

You've described yourself as a go-getter, and have a quote on your sidebar about taking the bull by the horns and making your own reality. But you can't. And now you know that.

God's ways are upside down and they constantly astound us. He uses the weak things to confound the wise, calling us to die in order to live. He says it is the servant who is greatest in His kingdom. It just doesn't make sense! He says that He is "close to the broken hearted," while it is man (specifically Aesop) who says "God helps those who help themselves."

You've been given an opportunity (uncomfortable though it is) to truly wait on the Lord, to "trust [Him] with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." This affliction is a gift from the Lord to grow you. His hand pulled the rug out from under you. His arm pushed you into the pit. And it is by His mighty hand and outstretched arm that you will be brought out. He has this figured out.

We love you guys and are praying for God's mercy and grace in your lives. But you need to stop and consider that maybe this IS His grace and mercy for today.

Peaceful Chaoz said...

Its ok to grieve, its good for you! And its ok to CRY OUT in frustration anger whatever your feelings are to our God because believe me He can take it!! So do it, Cry out to Him and if you need someone to cry out with I'm here (or there ;0) Love you girl!!

Erin said...

saralyn wrote-"This affliction is a gift from the Lord to grow you. His hand pulled the rug out from under you. His arm pushed you into the pit. And it is by His mighty hand and outstretched arm that you will be brought out. He has this figured out.

We love you guys and are praying for God's mercy and grace in your lives. But you need to stop and consider that maybe this IS His grace and mercy for today."

When I read the above statement, I couldn't help but feel "how do you know for certain what God's plan is? How do you know that God is using this situation to grow Beth?"

Honestly, I can't help but feel, maybe God is using this situation to grow ME! We have been in this situation before ourselves, actually many times and if someone had told me that God was pushing me into a pit so that I would learn that might have made me feel like a complete loser! As if God didn't think I was worth the abundant life that he has promised.

I am sure that both Dan and Beth will learn from this. But my prayer is that the really learn about God's love. That those around them really do love and care for them and are willing to use the gifts that God has given them to fulfill his call, to love others the way he has FIRST loved us.

I know that God has used dan and beth in our lives. Afterall, they were the very first people to reach out to offer LOVE to us when my husband was without an income for our growing family a year and a half ago.

Rebecca said...

I might not have phrased it as "God pushing into the pit", but none the less, this, and every situation, has passed through His Almighty Hands first before it ever touches us. Why should that make us feel like losers? His fire is a refining one {BURNING off all those impurities!!} & His abundant life does not equate to an easy life, not by a long shot. We know that God uses these things to grow us {and those around us} from His Word. James 1 tells us all about trials & what they produce in our life; love is not mentioned here. Even though this is something painful to have to go through, what is so AMAZING is that seeds that He is planting through this will be reaped in a harvest for many years to come.

Hope that makes sense.

{{hugs to Beth}}


Erin said...

Perhaps in James 1 there is no talk of love but aren't we here to love one another??? That was my point.

I am choosing to love and not try to figure out God's plan. I obviously realize that he is in control and not surprised by any of this.

However I believe that out of the mouths(or text) of women come some hurtful words that even when that woman has the best of intentions...still hurt.

Rebecca said...

I must not have understood you completely! Yes, you are *so* right that we are here to love one another, as in "the greatest of these is love" and they will know we are Christians by our love. All I meant was that there is so many valuable lessons, other than about love, to learn from through our trials. KWIM?

If I've said something that's hurt you, please let me know.

Peaceful Chaoz said...

Hey Beth,
I was just listening to Meredith Andrews You're Not Alone again, and for some reason it just really hit home. If you have not heard it, I think its perfect for where you might be. You're not alone! Thank you for being willing to be so open and honest and true about your feelings, that takes a lot of courage. Praying for you daily.

Erin said...

No Becki, there have been no hurtful words between us.

The point that I am really trying to make is that sometimes instead of trying to figure out what God is doing for someone else perhaps we should first look at what God is doing in our own lives AND love those in the valley instead of offering "honest" words.

Hollie said...

"Oh SNAP... do you smell that?
Smells like peppa!"